Good morning Anesu, it just me Da putting in another
entry and just letting you know you’re on my mind and that I love you. There is
something I wanted to share with you as your father to be, I feel like
life’s is a big old book and we write in it through our choices and actions, each season
and cycle in our life is a just a
chapter and often we meet people in
different chapters of our life, just as you will meet me in one of my chapters and as you
start your own story, part of the secret to life is not to define a the whole
book by a single chapter sometimes the intro isn’t good as the ending, and not every chapter is action packed when you
arrive here and as you get older you will understand, and the best place to
start a story is at the beginning which is not with me but with your
Grandparents. The greatest gift I was given and I will pass on to you is our
last name it is the beginning but not the end of your identity. It is the beginning
of your legacy, before I go there one of the reasons I write to you is simply
because of God’s love and if
something should happen to me I know he will watch over you, the problem in
here lies, If you have never know the love of an earthly father, you may have
nothing to compare it with the heavenly Father’s love. He absolutely adores you
but we hope it never comes down to that and that we do meet in person. I guess
I am one of the lucky ones as short as it was I did get to feel my father’s
love and I assure it was an amazing, money can’t buy it , I remember a time
when no place was higher and more sacred
or safer than my father’s shoulders. He had such a presence you could feel him
when he walked into the room and you were not looking at the door. I have also
decided to create a time capsule for you and in there I will place a picture of
Sekuru (Shona for granddad) and Ambuya (Grand ma) a tree is only as strong as
its roots and I assure you your roots are tremendously strong. You won’t have
the pleasure of meeting my father until god calls us back home, but you will
meet my mother hopefully. When you do meet my mother I have a disclaimer for
you and a piece of advice, approach her with respect for your own safety out of
love she will put a foot up your ass, then put a foot up my ass for not putting
a foot up your ass in the first place, then I will have to put my foot up your
ass, then you will have two feet up your ass you don’t want that. The lesson to
be learnt is be respectful (laughing), seriously I grew up in a time when they
taught us to respect our elders even when they were not always that respect worthy
they don’t teach that much now, so I am tell you now the power of respect is
not to disrespect, it sounds cliché but respect is earned and the fact that
your elders have being on earth longer than you subsequently earns them minimum
respect having said that, elders can lose that respect to gauge it well as it is a thin line. Anyway let me get back
to the family history/tree. When I decide that I was going to make your mother
my wife which was pretty much years after we met I had known here a long time,
I forget what she said but after she said it I knew she was the one , I
remember telling your Uncle Tau Tau that’s my future wife and he (Tau) laughed hard almost passed out
chocking, I can’t blame him I was in a very
crazy back then, very bachelor chapter of my life at the time not meaning to
sound corny (some real talk) it just felt like an angel or spirit whispered in
my ear this the one, flesh of your flesh and bone of your bone that’s why I
call your mom my rib, we complete each other when we are not trying to kill
each other in private,its real love(laughing). Anyway after my epiphany I called
up my mom, throughout my life she has being book of knowledge for me even when
we went to war (that’s a completely different chapter if not a book), but up
until then I hand never really asked any question about her and Da I figure it
would cause ache, every time I felt the urge to ask I remember how deeply she
wept on the grave every Sunday afternoon, after church when we went to place
flowers by the Tombstone. It made me ask what kind of love was this that they
shared that ran so deep, so committed that flaunted itself in her pain so
openly a love that never seemed to age and defied time, like I said I learnt a
secret about time and so I knew if I wanted to ever know I would have to chance
at the risk of opening old wounds I needed to know so I asked her what it is
about my dad that let her know he was the one. (Laughing) the reply was rather
shocking I was hoping for some mystic deep romantic response no.
“baby back in the day your father looked like
Sidney Poitier (taking a deep breath) he was beautiful human being to look at
and all the girls wanted him but I got him and he had big hands and feet you
know what that means ”
“mom don’t go there (ugh…)that’s it mama He looked Sidney ?”
“Yes that is it do you want me to lie to you?”
(Of course she was messing with me)
Anyway
your grandfather had many outstanding qualities very intelligent, warm
generous, funny when he spoke well and was extremely protective but a quiet
soul, he didn’t like to go to church much but he was a very spiritual being and
deeply respected the ancestors. He didn’t call my mom by her name; he called
her mudikanwi which means “loved one in Shona” and twice a year or more he
would take her travelling to some distant part of the world he was never afraid
to spoil her. Apparently he was a good dancer, and I personally will never get
it but he had good hair I will never understand what that does for women, but I
have the same thick hair as well so I
guess it works, we don’t have to worry about balding as we age it’s not in the
gene’s. He was very stylish a trend setter if you will (that gene seems to have
skipped me). Nothing was more important than family to my father he invested in
the people as well as the land he was from, he was very gifted at managing
money but he didn’t care so much about it (money) but in the well fare of the
people, we used to make 4 to 5 trips to his tribal land (kumusha) every year
with car full of food and gifts. I could
go on and on and on, nobody I met had anything bad to say about him even his
enemies had praise for him. When I was growing up I remember under achieving on
purpose because the bar had being set that high and I had no idea how to get
there absolutely clueless and I guess
that’s one of the problems with being fatherless the lack of direction, and I
figured if I hide my gifts sooner or later the expectations of greatness would
pass me over me , the wind without focus is harmless at best chaotic but never a force, and I think it was TD
Jakes who best captured it when he said “energy not used will turn on itself” I
am a living witness that statement is true which will explain that period in my
life when I was very lost. Without direction without my compass (my father) my
wrestling match significances and self-worth began I had to figure out who I
was, I was an artist with a brush and blank canvas and no muse but a urge to draw .. It was a mess. To be
the son of “Samson Munengami” was pressure to achieve great things, these were dark
and hard chapters of my life people say I don’t regret , rubbish I regret that
phase of my life. Hiding my gifts caused my mom heart ache through disappoint
because she could see the potential even though she didn’t say it very often
she believed in me and I begin to understand the pain I caused her as you make
your journey into the world , I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did,
you have 2 generations of gifts fire and intelligence and the heart beating in
your chest and in your veins don’t hide
it, master it through confidence and humility and know the difference between
confidence and pride, be the best you
can be, at whatever you choose to be,
don’t get distracted, for many years I would be lost not living my purpose on a
detour that road was rough, a battle with alcoholism that would almost kill me 5 or more times,
having said that I just want to tell you right now! You might find this hard to
conceive but you’re my hero the idea of you kept me going through the darkest
of nights, and when it looked like I was going to lose my battle with alcohol along with my mind ,and the sins of the father
would visit you, I saw your face in a dream and kept swinging and I still am
and I won’t stop, where ever you were in the ether the idea of holding you or
missing the chance to hold you become my souls fuel to live the option of
suicide became an impossibility( any and every man who has lived past the age
of 25 has contemplated suicide at least once). I realized my decisions now will
affect you latter although my father was a good man and he was not abusive, but
I always felt he chose the bottle over me, and I let go and let God be my father and stopped trying
to do things in my own strength and be in control, a complete game changer for
me I have mixed feelings about bringing life into this world because humanity
is ugly sometimes. The scriptures which will be your friend say we came to bear
witness to dying world, but my love for you over rides everything else I feel
and the more I let god love me the more I know I will be able to love and
protect you even when I don’t now how, so before you come into the world, thank
you for being my hero. I just want to say to you ,have no doubt that I will
wage war for you to at least be breathing when you are born, and if anything
should happen to me I will find a way to
keep you from the other side because even I cannot defy gods will, sometimes ….
Sometimes I feel like there’s force protecting me and I like to think it’s my
father both of them , because with all the crazy shit I done in this life time I should be dead.
Anyway my craziness runs in your veins as I explained before, coupled with your
mother craziness I have a feeling I am going to have to be firm open and tough
love with you, do you know what that means I am tear ass up you act a
fool (laughing). Before I babble on to long let me share with you my three
favorite activities I did with my father.
1 My
father loved to go fishing I hated it, fishing that’s is I hated the smell and
disliked worms (we didn’t have fancy bait back then) and honestly, when I was
that young fish scared me anything that wriggled scared me snakes worms fish
spiders etc, but I enjoyed the time alone with my father it was sacred and his
presence made me brave so my fear of fish temporarily disappeared. He gave me
two of the greatest gifts then, I have to this day the ability to sit in
silence and enjoy the presence of someone else without frivolous conversion
just the occasional pat on the head somehow that kept me silent or is long
finger pointing at a spectacle of nature like an eagle flying overhead or what
he called gods finger at dawn as silver line reseeded on face of the lake. He
also taught me how to still my soul umm its complicated to explain but its
allowed to develop my third eye and my sixth sense earlier than most my father said it allowed
to see the spirits of and in nature and
the ancestors. The coolest thing about Da is from about the age of 5 he spoke
to me in a way that was simple enough for me to understand but as an adult, we
would be walking through the bush and out the blue he’d stop kneel down to my
level look me in the eye and say something like this “mwana wangu mu upenuyu
usa vimbe nechinu chisiri chako” (my child never put your faith in other people
stuff just your own). I felt like a Grown ass man and I still miss him. My
second favorite activity with my father was that he used to love to take long
drives to nowhere in particular and listen to music international and local he had
particular liking for Bob Marley and the Eagles when you’re old enough Google
them, and locally Mukanya and Tuku. Back then we had tapes and tracks in cars
you had to listen to the whole dam album, there was none of the I-pad or phone.
I think these long drives where supposed to be his alone time from my mother which
every man does despite how in love you are. Lord knows she had her moments, and
one when he was leaving I cried so hard for him to take me along with him and
would he cave in. There was a condition to me going along with him where ever
we went I couldn’t tell my mom, it is here I got to see the other side of my
father in modern day terms I guess it would be either him cutting loose with
the Fella’s not a care in the word discussing politics and football and the
likes, or he would drive out to a quiet place and there was this one particular hill let the
music play and enjoy a few beers and just let go of the world, I would
inherit this particular quality to spend
large amounts of time by myself sipping and
listening to music in my own world.
Last but not least my
third favourite activity with father was the swings and gardening. Our house
had a design that had a bar literary a bar that looked out on a raised veranda
which might go far to explain our alcoholic tendencies, on each side of the
Veranda was a set of step leading down to the back yard on the right was rose
garden my father had planted with bare
hands for my mother always the romantic, the garden was gorgeous in the season of bloom and to the far
left was vegetable garden which we
actually ate from fresh and healthy, despite all the education and having
travelled the world my father was an earth man he never really forgot his
humble country beginnings and when he
felt sick or stressed he would walk bare foot in the garden and feel the earth
in his palms and toes somehow he felt
that connection to earth to the ancestors he called it grounding our people are
referred to as “Vana Vevhu” children of the earth his ceremonial earthing
actually seemed to work. It was in this garden my father started to teach me to
appreciate the value of hard work and to take time to appreciate nature for not only would life be my school master
but nature as well, he used to say “if god made it then it can teach you”. My
father was the kind of man who would get annoyed by a half ass job , he would
rather I do it wrong but give his my best and with that he started to teach me
the art of craftsmanship hidden in simple things as planting a seed trimming a
bush and paying attention to details. He taught me the concept of relationship
as the water needed the earth the earth was in need of the water for needs
somewhere to fall and the other needed to drink. And after a long day of work
in the garden my reward whether I deserved it or not because honestly I think I
got in the way more than I helped , especially in that last year of sickness
before he passed , was to have him push
me on the swing . My tiny little lungs squeal with excitement “looks dad I am
flying”. He had this way of looking at me and my brother that said “right there
that is mine” despite his sickness I had never seen him bitter.
When I remember what I saw that disease do to him I marvel at
how I myself struggled with alcohol for so long maybe I was that lost because
men we don’t do pain very well , but I am grateful that I beat
it and like I said thank you for being my hero and helping me through .
Your most probably wondering why I am telling you about your grandfather simply
because the 3 of us are connected, you are where he is right know and coming
here and I wanted you to have a clearer idea of the calibre of DNA that runs in
your blood and how life can be simple and complex in the Same heartbeat. One
day you will come face to face with your own complexities I just want you know you’re
not the first to face it and you won’t be the last, it’s confusing but
normal and you have my words to help you
through, aight where ever you are I will
catch you at the next inspiration
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