Once again my ninja
like reflexes save me from an attack as the egg fly’s millimetres from my right
eye and splatters behind me on the wall, the car roars off the and the drunken
rich kid shouts at the top of his lungs “fuck you nigger! Wooo!!” from the safety
of his car unaware of how he just embarrassed himself and his race, I can’t
exactly blame him attitude is reflection of leadership after all they did vote
for John Key to be Prime minister and that says a lot. The lack of anger and
the deep sigh that leave my chest tell you a story, this wasn’t the first time
and it most probably won’t be the last, a wise and apologetic smile finds
itself on my face, once again I am reminded I possess something they will never
have “class”, despite having all the opportunities and material goods which the
so called third world children don’t have, it was the poorest generation I had
ever seen in terms of character, with that I walked to the closest bus stop
opened my bag, pulled out my pad and picked up my sword which would be my pen, “
I learnt to think ahead so I fight with my pen” as the image of a passionate
young Tupac flash through my mind it was time to engage ignorance in a battle
which it would ultimately lose in my unborn child ,at least that was the hope…
sometimes I wondered did I really live in a free and fair New Zealand or was I still
in the stone age, teenagers calling me names trying to egg me, at night having
to deal with a police who were undereducated and over testosterone with a
reputation for gang rape and the use of excessive force, “life” as always was
never far away my school master he pointed out to me they (the police) had no
reverence for life. “life” whispered in my ear “while they waste tax payer
money harassing you because of the colour of your skin, another young lady was
drugged and raped, another drunk driver took a life, another executive just
stole a few million, but don’t you worry at the end of the day the tortoise
will catch up with the hare, whether they believe in god or not we all stand
before god the father ”..umm? I can’t lie the temptation is to give up this
fight I never picked but found myself in fiddled with my mind, I looked in the
distance eyes wide shut and just like a movie, I saw a young Nelson Mandela in
his solitude looking through the bars of his cell and felt what he felt for
just a moment, in a slow motion I watched the dust rise and his body fall and I
walked over to him in my mind I knelt down and kissed Malcolm good bye, as I
light my cigarette I watch the smoke
rise as the plane crashed toward the earth a sense of panic and peace as
I waved goodbye at Samora Michel trying to make sense of it, that the father
doesn’t call you home unless your jobs done, the tears wanted to flow like
blood from Martins wounds as he struggled to breathe and for a moment I laid
down to dream just to see this vision, and to get away from the madness I place
my cold hands over my face I find myself examine how on one side they are one
colour and on the other another and the laugh of madness and a trade mark
single tear asked god the same question I asked last time how can this be the
source of such hatred. I looked at the back of my hands again and all of a
sudden a nine inch mail burst through my palms, “jesus?” and I knew change as
slow as it would be, would only come through blood… was it worth it… Did we
make a difference? I don’t suffer from guilt or escapism reality is the bed I
sleep in, I was pained that when we really gauged it you see, surface had changed
but the way of thinking had remained the same…(The sound of scribbling),
Anesu first and for
most I love you(smiling), I didn’t want to know your gender until you were born
but the stupid doctor referred to you as he, so its confirmed you’re a young
prince and when I write to you I can be more specific. I have to share with you
something my mother told me early in my life to edify me, it confused me at
first because I did not understand why it was relevant, it hurt when I
understood it because it’s unfair but we have to go through it, but it would
protect me and drive me later on in life and stop me from making excuses. It
was soon after my father died about a month had pasted, I remember she sat me
down “real talk baby” there was a deep sadness in her eyes but its wasn’t grief
for my father and unfortunately I would see this look often on her face when
something relevant needed to be explained, she starred at me in the silence for
a minute as she mustered the strength to explain a truth( because truth hurts)..
“baby you’re going to grow up to be a young
black male, and to achieve anything in this world even the ordinary, you are
going to have to work twice to three times as hard as your counter parts,
(taking my hand to affirm me) it’s not your fault… there is nothing wrong with
you and it’s not anything you did, there just something evil in the world a spirit and that’s
just something you need be aware, on the surface they say we are equal to ease their
own conscience but we live in the reality,(like when you sit on the bus and
they tighten their grip on the purse whoever they maybe?) people are good at
lying to themselves and I won’t send you into this world a cripple because of
lies, I would I would rather have you hurt and aware so you can be affective
and you know how to fight, than some lily livered pansy crippled by lies in a
cruel world that doesn’t know the meaning of the word mercy, when the realities
of life hit they hit hard and without mental fitness you won’t survive baby,
and when the going gets tough the tough get going you man up and drop your nuts,
don’t bitch and do what you need to, life can be a dog fight ..no rules nothing
soft came out of my body, mama had nothing but soldiers (rubbing my head) know
you remember that minimum twice as hard.”
Your grandmother, my
mother (laughing in retrospect) is the wisest and the most gangster person I
ever met figuratively and literally, people say it all the time as a cliché but
she really is my hero, if life really is a fight she designed my defence and my
offense and all my life she has being more than a coach and mother, without her
I would not be here and you wouldn’t coming to the world, at least coming to a happy
home by design. When you’re old enough be sure to thank her and for your own
safety be polite around her, I am 30, 90 kg’s of pure muscle and she’s in her
60’s and fragile and I am still scared of her (laughing) you be wise to take
suit or you will find out about those legendary ass whooping I spoke of. Anyway
Anesu the reason I am sharing this with you, is that the higher calling of life
is to be a human being and treat everybody as such regardless of race. But because
the African in me which certain people describe as my “blackness” will be in
you, and in as much as I will try and protect you from it sooner or later you
will experience racism, me myself as a child it boggled me to be hated for no
reason only to find out it was my skin colour which when I entered the world I
had no control of not that I would change it, you would be surprised how stupid
and immoral society can be unashamedly to. If I did not prepare you for this I
would be undoing my mothers work and making you a cripple, I think I can hear
you right know from the Ether
“why do they hate us so?”..
When I was a child I
asked the same question until I got tired of asking because there was no clear
answer, and resolved to grow a thick skin and as I got more personal in my walk
with Jesus I learnt not to let the devil steal my joy through this issue, you
cannot be a real Christian and a racist at the same time, it’s like water and
oil they don’t mix and if you think you can be both then you’re lying to
yourself and people do that a lot (lie to themselves), back to your question, to
be honest I have no idea I will ask god when I am called home but I would like
think fear and ignorance play a big role it and men’s ego’s as well. Let me
explain something to you although often they look alike there is a big
difference between a ignorant person and racist they are a lot ignorant people
out there and often in the heat of a moment we the oppressed loosely us the
word racist. Trust me when you meet a real racist you will know there is an
evil a coldness to them that is abrasive to essence of your soul.(Sad laugh) I
am not supposed to be scared because of my faith, but “real talk baby” although
this generation has access to so much information I have never seen such a
dumbing down of a generation, and where ignorance abounds racism flourishes and
I have no idea how I am going to protect you, but I am sure of two weapons in
the fight ,love and knowledge, and I will be real with you like mom’s was me,
you have no idea how much I love you (pride). Can I just get real with you this
could be like our first father son moment like I had with mine, okay this is my
personal theory I could be right and I could be wrong in life there are many
shades of grey, but I think racism is many fear things coming together to
perform evil and ... Wait, pause, I need to explain something to you and this
is a fact, most people have a preconceived idea in there head of what a (fingers
in the air quote on quote) “black male is, should do, should be, how we think
and how we feel” unfortunately our reality is nothing like our percept of the
“black male” and often this is the cause of silent pain we rarely if ever speak
about, but if you are aware of it when it comes you will be able to deal with
it. It will make sense when you are here and you actually experience it, my words
don’t do the experience justice. Yellow green black or white just now being a man
a real one ? (Laughing) its hard…
Having said that I believe what we as “black
men” have experienced over the last 500 years in the form of oppression was
designed to emasculate us mentally emotionally shit in some cases physically,
don’t laugh because I am serious it might sound silly but I believe it and this
is my personal belief nobody else’s you won’t get this kind of knowledge in a
book those who win wars write history(laughing) because it written in the stars,
peoples actions and fears, so what is that daddy is trying to tell you? I
believe there is direct correlation between penis seize and racism (yes I said
it.. I think somebody just fainted). And this misconstrued subconscious sense
of masculinity is partially responsible for racism (for those of you with a
lesser vocabulary I basically said if Africans had being born with small dicks
we would not have being as hated on as we were). Okay Anesu young prince; Let me share a
secret with you, real talk baby (clapping hands) real talk. I was born in
Zimbabwe in the 1980’s and grew up there and accept for post-colonial race
tensions and a very soul alerting (and that’s me being polite) visit to
Apartheid South Africa as a child (again thank you Mandela) my exposure to
“real” racism was limited, like for real I was a African in Africa surrounded
by Africans we spoke about it and occasionally it reared its ugly head but
nothing really life changing directly happened to me accept for that visit to
South Africa but that’s another entry in and of its self, and when I was very
young about 5 years old we had this neighbour shit, if Zimbabwe was not independent
this dude would of lynched our ass(I am serious) with every fibre of his being
he let us know he hated us and we had no business in suburban neighbourhood. If
I can be honest with you and I will be because you’re my son, in my first visit
to the west which was England, away from home (Zimbabwe) where my worth and identity
as a human being was always asserted and I had never being fully being tested
meaning my defence against hatred, you see my mom had coached me because she
knew it was inevitable that me and the beast would meet, but I had being on
side lines and not the for front, I hadn’t being in the game or in the ring
such to speak, I wasn’t ready for the level of war fare that my parents had
faced until I faced it personally it was mystic. I was shocked and disgusted
and definitely not ready for the level of ignorance and “real” racism I was
affronted with when the safeguard of being a majority was dropped at my
departure. I remember thinking to myself, “and … (slowly) these are supposed to
be civilized people? Okay, right, really? This must be some sick joke? ” at
that moment I felt what I can only describe as pain as the ideology and the
reality of equality rudely awakened me, who I was in Zimbabwe and my rights a
human being apparently where not the same in the UK. (you must understand at
the time Mandela had just being realised and made president and I was ardent
student of Martin Luther King and I was engrossed in the dream and being the
better human being, It’s like being African was a disease and for the first time ever in my life I found
myself questioning self-worth based on my race. You know inherently that there
is nothing wrong with you but you are asking yourself “what’s so wrong with me
to garner such looks and enmity”. I remember one night by which time I had
moved to Australia for university I was stopped by the police 4 times in less
than 20 minutes, my crime walking home from university from the library after
midnight I was so full of fury because less than 50 meters behind me, there were
drunk Australian students cussing kicking down rubbish bins and lifting car
wipers and they drove past them like they were blind and somehow I was the threat, I was so sad
and furious at the same time my body shook uncontrollably. I wanted to call my
family but I didn’t want them worry and I found myself at the place called
alone. I had friends and even a girlfriend at the time but I didn’t want to be
seen in this weakened state of mind, and so I cried all night yes me a grown
ass man, well at I at least in my 20’s then, I cried because I was so homesick
and I just wanted to hug my mom and feel her arms around me and her warmth to
chase away the lies and the pain, I wanted so badly to look into my father’s
eyes to find truth to find my identity, the inner turmoil I felt, it was like
last moments at my father funeral watching casket being lowered and some part
of me died and that’s how felt for a second time in my life like I was the one
in the casket, my stomach churned so badly that if I had drank milk that night
I would shat butter the next morning, sorry for being so graphic but I really
want you to get it. Something inside of me began to harden, My mother’s good
teaching protected me, strengthened me, as always I thank her for giving me the
bible, any dis allusion meant I had about humanity and the western definition
of civilized was stripped from my mind violently. Everywhere I went I was made
very aware of this new thing to me which would be “my blackness” which I was
never aware of in Zimbabwe, where I was just another human being, your regular
Joe, such battles and epiphanies if not dealt with make you the cripple and at
the time I was injured but not crippled. A new war for me raged unlike what my
parents faced for me to be born free, my struggle was to remain free where it
counted the most in my head, same evil different face. Anesu surface had
changed but the way of thinking hadn’t as Bob Marely said ,
"Until the
philosophy which holds one race superior and another inferior is finally and
permanently discredited and abandoned... Everything is war. Me say war. That
until they’re no longer 1st class and 2nd class citizens of any nation... Until
the colour of a man's skin is of no more significance than the colour of his
eyes, me say war. That until the basic human rights are equally guaranteed to
all without regard to race me say war!”
I battled with my belief the ideology and what
was a very apparent the reality but one thing kept in all it an Aboriginal
friend of mine named Garfield reminded me of a basic truth after we came back
from he called “Walk about” basically you go into the wilderness and lose
yourself to find yourself , and I am going to share it with you, this piece of
advice I am about to give you is like a good scripture wrap it around your
heart because it will protect you until the day the father calls you home even
when I am not there it will keep you. Watch my lips open your ears and open
your heart, this is our father son moment aight .. You ready (never being so
serious)… “Know who you are” that’s it, very simple but extremely hard to do,
when you know who you are you can face anything. This is the greatest piece of
advice I can give you accept for give your life to god and trust him. (If you
were here right now I would give you the biggest hug in the world because I am
vulnerable right now and 2 what I am asking you to do takes a life time of
testing and pain to know you have arrived and want to give you my blessing and
strength ). While you are discovering who you are because that’s what life is I
will give you a true north which is point that never changes, if you ever get
lost come back to this point, you are even before your my son, “a child of the most high god
fearfully beautifully and uniquely made in his image.” This is who you are now
it, own it; it will protect you in this crazy world. In my mental war it
stopped me from falling preyer to a twin evil we call reverse racism and show
some class, it allowed me to keep my integrity, and preserve my dignity. In this war it was my armour against any inferiority
complex’s, a teacher to show me how to master my mind the most bloody war field,
and a seeker of light in darkness, in my heart it kept love hope and faith
alive so I could receive and give it, in the mirror it allowed me to accept my
own uniqueness and in my life it allowed me to re-invent myself with the change
of seasons, we didn’t allow fear into our heart and I found a way of balancing
practical ideal’s around a cold reality. For today I think that’s enough Anesu
somehow if you follow my advice because it’s hard ask, I believe I just gave
you your inheritance that money can’t buy, no pain is wasted if you chose to
learn from it. Having said that, real talk one last time Anesu, one of the
tricks I used to walk away or smile and laugh in the face of racism because
some battle are just not worth fighting they have no spoils at the end of them,
bring it into the huddle Anesu, bring it in son, I am about to share (looking
over both shoulders) a “black people” secret with, you know like why we love
chicken so much? (Laughing) . What allowed me to show class and not fall to
their level of hatred whoever they are? Was a facial expression…? (Silence) yep
that’s it. I know you’re like a facial
expression? , and I am like yeah. Aight Anesu work with me I need you use your
imagination, I want you to imagine how European men where going around the
world conquering everybody and everything in these big boats, beating on his
chest with his fist a manly man with
hair on his chest and beer in hand, and then they arrived on the shores of
Africa and the met the first Africa men(laughing) ripped muscles, in fact
muscles that had pet muscles, shining glistening Hershey brown skin, free and
naked ( back then we redefined free willy it was whale of an issue laughing ), standing
solid as a mountain, dick down to his knee swaying in the air like Tarzan. And
when people throw hateful words and actions at me my mind goes to that very
moment and the facial expression of the visitor just and thinks of their facial
expression. (Use your imagination) and I walk away and I laugh. Anyway Anesu I
never said it was right I am just saying it helped me walk away from many a
fruitless fight. Its why despite somebody just throwing an egg at me I am the
one laughing at them. Anyway young princes until the next inspiration know that
I love you so much.
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