He stands in front of
the mirror in complete silence studying his own facial features, he does this
for at least two minutes, side to side, straight forward, a little under the
chin, deep into the depth of the eyes, we can’t leave out the classic jaw bone,
and he does the wise man pose and then he
laughs shaking his head with pride and anticapation, he repeats
something his mother told him time after time, “inimanche ndakazvara” the best
translation not the direct is “I make beautiful babies” (now I know you’re
thinking the vanity but like a good infomercial wait there’s more lol). He goes
back to looking in the mirror, focused and from the left side he slowly raises
up a picture of his wife’s face right next to his own face and starts to let
his imagination go wild, endless possibilities of the beauty to come, different
combinations of cheek bones, eye colours, lips nose hair complexion the
expecting father gone mad with anticipation (laughing) with the greatest
satisfaction he says “Anseu I am going to have to buy you a stick to beat the
women off you, yes sir”. He turns and looks at his wife’s picture and smiles
ever so gently he says “thank you” and with that he returns to his work desk.
The sound of a pen scribbling..
Man I can’t wait to see
you out here in the world, you got daddy acting a fool it’s a good thing your
Mama aight around right now to see me, it might spark a debate about who is
actually having the hormone issues between the two of us (laughing). Anesu in
the first entry I told you I started writing these letters because I was scared
if something happened to me you would join the ranks of the fatherless, I was
wrong and I can admit it and that fear has being lifted because I am married to
an amazing woman and I know she will love you until it’s done. (Real talk
clapping hands) don’t get me wrong a fatherless house is a terrible thing but
worse than fatherless house is loveless house(full of neglect) or an angry one
full of violence (be it verbal or physical), I figure children need love more
than they need two parents truest me I seen it with my own two eyes. I am a little
crazy but mom did more than alright, I know people who grew up in houses with
two parents and they are more messed up in the head than I am because there was
no love in the house and it’s the love that protects you and feeds the soul,
remember what I told you about surface and depth don’t look for evil by what it
looks like, you might find it in a shiny suit (laughing) or behind a smiling
face, back to the issue in those houses one of the parents or both of them might be selfish, manipulative, or
verbally physically sexually abusive or an angry parent, worse insecure. I
never would of thought I would say this but if the man in the house is any of
the for mention that house is most probably better off without him, oh I forgot
to mention a lazy man that’s just terrible father material. You will never have
to worry about that with me I am commited to you we are in covenant, you’re my
focus you’re my heart you’re my mind. I am going to try and be as engaged as
possible in healthy way with you and try
not to over parent and give lee way to grow and be your own person, you might
love the attention as a child but it will get on your ass when become teenager
and while we are here on the subject, I need to lay down the law now, no
surprises with me until you turn 18, I am not your friend I am your father I
don’t care what other houses are doing and I don’t care what’s cool out there ,
we doing me (laughing) and I am the law meaning father until your 18. Anyway
yeah, when I was growing up it was hectic but my mom and my aunts tried to fill
the house up with love. It didn’t always come in the form that was “normal”
whatever that means, but it was love never the less and I felt it. Growing up
in single parent house my mom was working a lot trying to provide for 3
children it wasn’t easy (a testimony to her strength) she spent a lot of time
working or resting but she always managed to do something or say something
small to let me know I was loved. Because it got so hectic I spent a lot of
time at aunts and my homeboys houses, two friends in particular and their
parents kind of took me on as one of
their own (it’s a African thing), I
think I was described as “mobile furniture” at one point, I think it was a
compliment. I fear in New Zealand you will never get to experience the love of
an extended family it’s just a different culture, in my personal belief I think
it (the extended family culture) protected us (Zimbabweans) from the full brunt
of the pandemic of the fatherlessness disease because there was always someone
to take care of you male and female it had its pro’s and it con’s like anything
human has its flaws but for most of it was good. Anesu, we have this word in
our culture called “kurerwa” it’s very complicated to translate to English,
stripped down to its simplest and raw essence it means to raise a child, but
its more than that its where you get your imprint, a secret knowledge passed
from parent to child, culture, manners, respect, attitude, swagga they are all
moulded into you during this incubation period of interaction between parent
and child, during this mentoring an imprint of a whole bunch of things
intangibles is done. Son I am just going to be real with you, you’re going to
be born in a narcissistic society with a disturbed and weakened definition of
masculinity and this affects parenting and the level of engagement modern
parents do, I need you to understand this because we are going to be raising
you different way from your counter parts which allows for you inherit your
culture and this might make you feel a bit alone because the human proclivity
is to be accepted. I find it strange maybe as an African male that men would
rather be making more money than they need, boasting to each other in pubs of
old glory days , the new business deals and be in the gym in their late 30’s 40
and 50 trying look good when the bodies going to die , rather than be spending
time with their children and the family like I explained before once times gone
it doesn’t come back. (And they wonder why they have mental health issues even
if they hide them well it’s that family time that restores ones sanity). Completely
off Let me tell a story about someone I know, I have being blessed that god
brings these people into my life and I call them anomalies simply because of the
peculiar circumstances under which we
meet and interact. Once upon a time in 2007 (this is a real story) I was in the
city of Auckland doing a favour for a friend he didn’t like to come to CBD
much, I was on Forte street that’s where
I had parked and I was walking to the car and I literally almost tripped
over these two young people as in ages
13 years old and this young lady was on her knee’s, tipsy giving the young man
a blow job (I am serious) in between my car and the next one. So the young man
sees me zips up and run’s off leaving the young lady on her knee’s with a
stranger who just caught her with a dick in her mouth. So I am stunned not at
the act so much but at the audacity of them to do it late afternoon or was just
stupidity I forget (if it had being me at that age I would waited for the cover
of darkness not that I am encouraging it), I wanted to laugh but I know I can’t
the young lady is embarrassed and distor enough, but at the end of the day I
need to get into the car but in front of my door of the car is this 13 year
white girl crying on her knees. (I am pause right here, we watched the death of
mocking bird and read a time a kill the inner African in me was like they will
put your innocent black ass in jail for a long time so turn around and walk
away). So I thought I would leave and come back latter unfortunately the inner
Christian in me over rode the African and I took a deep breath and hushed her
and helped her to her feet, I opened the car door and got her some tissues
(laughing) to wipe her face tears and knee’s. I waited a minute thinking, I
have had awkward silences in my life even as a writer I was having trouble
finding the right words to start a conversation so I went back to bible basics
because she just stood there staring at me, “are you okay?” she shook her head “is
there something I can do to help?” she shook her head again, so much for open communication.
I thought to myself “ well lord I tried I have done my bit we can go now right ?”,
the inner Christian was through and the inner African was shaking in his boots,
for some reason beyond my own understanding considering I just caught her with
a dick in her mouth I asked her if she wanted to get some food. Surprisingly
she nodded dam it. (I am pause right here and explain I was torn in 3 there was
a side of me which because of being raised by a women I had a soft spot for
this obviously lost and broken little girl and the protector in me wanted to
help her, 2 the inner African in me the so called “blackness” was saying they
will put your innocent ass in jail for being nice in the situation she is only
13 maybe 14 in third person to me wouldn’t
/didn’t look right, and often the reality of racism makes good men passive “keep
it moving Gerry, keep it moving” and the third was the Christian in me which
was desperately asking god what the right thing to do was self-preservation vs
possible false persecution? But the decision had already being made my
imagination had taken me to a place where I imagined having a daughter her age
in the future and the last thing I would want in her mouth would be a penis,
and if a stranger was to stop and help her I would be grateful. So we went up the street and got 2 burgers
and stuff and sat down in a nearby park, in silence all the way but her mood
had lightened up and look of surprise and caution at my kindness sat on her
face. After the meal and some strange looks exchanged I was rather surprised
she wasn’t scared of me (my blackness I mean), so I asked simply because it’s a
red light when a child is doing what she is doing at her age I know from
personal experience, “do you want to talk about it?” I wasn’t surprised but
what she divulged it’s a tale I have heard many times before, I have witnessed
it and in my younger years even being a part of (as the boy who fled). She was
the rich kid whose father was always away doing business and when home
emotionally vacant or very controlling, her mother a socialite more interested
in Yoga keeping in shape and tanning than raising her daughter but in public
they appeared to the happy perfect family, the little girl lost felt more like
her mother’s trophy to brag about than a daughter, she (this little girl)
raised by the media and her own devices with a deep but hidden sense of neglect
and self-esteem, started looking for or love and acceptance in any form she
could find it and boys were the easiest and most natural source of attention.
She spoke of vicious cycle concerning her self-esteem she did things with boys
to get attention but ended up feeling worse when she was alone. Anesu it was
along afternoon boy, I would like to say I was shocked, but I wasn’t this was
just a re-run of stuff I had seen in my child hood. What did shock me was how
this young lady felt more comfortable pouring out her heart to a stranger than
she did talking to her parents or friends. She obvious hadn’t been programed
yet about the “black monster” because she didn’t fear me at all I would like to
think she was just looking for any form of male affirmation (I will explain
that one in another chapter) or a caring dady what we describe as father hunger.
Either way after she had poured her heart out to me she gave me a big hug just
for listening of course I got her off me asap and politely as possible I didn’t
want here to feel rejected but , the inner African screamed “jail don’t drop
the soap!” (Laughing but I am serious). It was a John Koffi moment for sure I
offered to pray for her, she said she didn’t believe in god but she would take
it if I thought it would help, so we prayed, to cut a long story short I still
know the young lady and I guess in me she found a mentor, (not the best mentor
to pick I can promise you that) or some kind
of daddy figure I learnt one truth daddy hunger doesn’t see race just
safety, I am glad to say she is in her first year of university (2013) and
doing good with a healthy self-esteem and she is not perfect she still has
issues but she is in better place
mentally and spiritually for simply having a friend she could talk to
and she knew no matter what would not be judged, here I am not talking about
myself I am talking about Jesus if I had
tried to save her it would of being the blind leading the blind all I did was
provide and ear when she need to talk and the occasional hug when she need it.
I marvel when I see how far she has come from the little girl lost with a dick in her mouth to this amazing young lady
to be with so much potential and bright future, and that’s just real talk not
me insulting her. Now, why did I tell you that story? Because life is a school
master, and the first and most important lesson is my promise, I promise to
always be available to you in every form but especially emotionally, I might
not always like everything that you do (ass whoop when you act a fool laughing)
but I will always love you unconditionally when we I was growing we used to say
hate the sin and not the sinner I was always boggled at an African mothers
ability to beat you senseless and then hold you gently while tending your
wounds, after becoming a father for the first time with your sister who passed
I understood why and when my mother used to say “this will hurt me more than it
will hurt you” especially when I was the one doing all the screaming. Number 2
a lot of people because of Surface and depth thing can’t admit this openly, but
it’s not how you start but how you finish, cliché yet true but she is living
proof and so am I, the things I being through and survived would make the
ordinary man take his own life, and the bad decisions I made out selfishness fear
immaturity you name it no excuses, but we refused to stay there us broken
people need to stick together in Christ, never let a bad decision define your
life time, and don’t be quick to judge your never know about the pain that
people don’t speak of that prompted there decisions give them room to breathe
and change. Number 3 Satan will always send something in our child hood to try
and distract us from our destiny and ultimately destroy us, I read the
scripture enough to know Gods is for me and not against me and I have lived
life long enough to know the Devil is real, just in case you’re wondering why I
believe in god so much let me explain, and no I didn’t wake up one morning
slain in the spirit or have some deep revelation in church and come down the aisle
doing back flips and have hands laid on me and pass out , remember how your
daddy told you he was hard headed (laughing) let’s put it this way I have being clinically dead
5 times(you would think the once would of done the job) I don’t need anybody to
tell me whether or not there is a heaven and hell when you cross over you feel
both the darkness and the light, sign sealed delivered I am his God is real and
so is the other one Satan, anyway back
to the issue. If I told you the numbers of female friends I have who were
abused sexually as children you would be shocked and ask the same question I
ask all the time what going on in the
ranks of manhood that we don’t protect our rib inadvertently when we hurt a
woman we hurt ourselves (some of you will get it some of you won’t) I as an
individual fight our women all the time, but we as men and I mean the
collective have failed women miserably,
if I told you the number of issues the men I know are struggling with from
their childhood pain which started as a seed and grew into addictions (from
porn alcohol to gaming), emotional disconnection and vacancy and domestic
violence, anger and my personal
favourite “secret lives of us” it’s not that they are bad people it’s the bi
product of surface and depth thing as I like to call it “strange fruit” ,you
would refuse to come out the womb and into the world (laughing) that’s why your
bible and your prayer life are important son, you’re going to need them in fight with princes of this world. Number 4
know your own heart this one as a man is a tricky one you have to be honest
with yourself about your motives when you help somebody(laughing), me being
25years at the time and her being 13 when we became friends was hard enough
because of the age gap and New Zealand is full of paedophiles . I saw her as a
little girl lost girl who need a friend in cold world or little sister from
another mother, but from previous friendships with women my own age, I was
aware at one point or another when as a man you take a male role in girls/
woman’s life to fill a male void that line in her head where I am a friend or
more gets very blurred in this case it was easy to deal with simply because of
the age gap, I was very aware after 2 years of knowing each other she had a crush on me but also knew why she had a
crush on me and I made it extra clear I was big brother not a lover it took her
time to get over it but she did, but with women my own age from the tender age
of 15 until now for myself , me and my females friends often crossed the line
simply because we are human, until I met your mother I struggled with that
issue and think many men do to having the relationship with out the
responsibility of commitment, to the commitment is knowing you are responsible
for someone else’s happiness at least to some extent. The solution to problem
is knowing your heart, check your motives and draw the boundaries early,
alternatively run! (Laughing). There are a lot of lessons I found out from my
friendship with this young amazing lady to many to put down in one entry. I
think the hardest thing I had to do to help this young lady was to override my fear
of getting in trouble for personally and morally doing the right thing in my
heart against societies stigma’s and my own ( honestly if my 13 year old
daughter told me she had 25 year old
friend there is possibility I would go to jail for life and that’s one
of life’s contradictions), death of a mocking bird is real they whoever they
are love to put black men in jail for anything they don’t care about justice or
innocence, but the scriptures say “where good men stand aside and do nothing
evil abounds” I assure you this
scripture has being the cause of many of my moral dilemmas. I am sad to say
Anesu growing up sometimes I could saved a number of women/girls heart ache and
pain but the moral dilemma of what was right and wrong made me stand aside and
let evil abound, I should of known better this is spiritual warfare, a dog
fight and we are on the front line and taking causalities in the form of the
innocence of our youth, a “dog fight” which means there are no rules as long as
fight with love honesty and a brick(laughing your daddy is far from perfect).
In a world full of evil and paedophiles (who I believe should be physically
castrated, there I said it) who would believe the “black monster” (as we have
being painted) could have a friendship and be a protector to the lost little
white girl lost, like little red riding hood. That’s just how crazy my life is
on any given day I don’t choose it, it just happens (laughing) and for some
reason beyond my self-god has seen it fit for me to meet many of these
anomalies and share some part of my light with them. I take solace in that our
friendship ( me and the little girl lost) took the dick out her mouth until she
was old enough to make a proper at least a more mature decision about a dick in
the mouth (sounds wrong but you know what I mean). Anesu I seem to have
introduced you unwittingly to one of life’s contradictions or enigmas as a man
and I don’t want to appear as a hypocrite. Bring it into the huddle son bring it in, know you see my first nature is
to be a protector of women, for a long time I endeavour to treat women the way
I want my mother aunts niece’s and sister to be treated with respect love and
honour, to let them through the door first and open doors for them, I even go
as far as to actually really listen to what they have to say but (laughing) son
there is this drug in my veins called testosterone and it triggers the second
nature, the pursuit of the booty, the hunter inside of me is awoken, he is hungry and he is a skilled
crafts man dedicated to perfection, focused lol (how do you think you were
conceived) it’s like Dr Hinn and Mr Jekyll . So if you find yourself in a
relationship with a woman and its gets a bit schizophrenic, it’s the drug
testosterone and the fact that you’re a Munengami male which means you have a
high libido, don’t look at me like that you’re lucky I am telling you I had to
figure it out all by myself master it and come to terms with it, one minute you
want to protect that ass, the next thing you know you know you want to rub that
ass, and when the hunter inside of you is fully awake you want to slap that ass
(pause) it’s okay its normal unless of course the female is related to you then
we need to get you help. I will let you mould it over for a while, daddy ahas
to go and make that paper or we will be sleeping under a bridge. I love you son
and I keep you in my prayers to be full of blessing and that you don’t get
caught in the trap of surface and depth, mostly that when you’re born you are a
free and honest soul.
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