Tuesday, September 3, 2013
the strange fruit
it would beconflicted against me to write a book called strange fruit and not address race issues
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpYyBlwAECA
Monday, September 2, 2013
Statistics on the fatherless
- 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average.
- 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average.
- 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Center for Disease Control)
- 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average. (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)
- 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average. (National Principals Association Report)
- Children with Fathers who are involved are 40% less likely to repeat a grade in school.
- Children with Fathers who are involved are 70% less likely to drop out of school.
- Children with Fathers who are involved are more likely to get A’s in school.
- Children with Fathers who are involved are more likely to enjoy school and engage in extracurricular activities.
- 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes – 10 times the average.
- 70% of youths in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average. (U.S. Dept. of Justice, Sept. 1988)
- 85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Fulton Co. Georgia, Texas Dept. of Correction)
Father Factor in Crime - A study of 109 juvenile offenders indicated that family structure significantly predicts delinquency. Adolescents, particularly boys, in single-parent families were at higher risk of status, property and person delinquencies. Moreover, students attending schools with a high proportion of children of single parents are also at risk. A study of 13,986 women in prison showed that more than half grew up without their father. Forty-two percent grew up in a single-mother household and sixteen percent lived with neither parent
Father Factor in Child Abuse – Compared to living with both parents, living in a single-parent home doubles the risk that a child will suffer physical, emotional, or educational neglect. The overall rate of child abuse and neglect in single-parent households is 27.3 children per 1,000, whereas the rate of overall maltreatment in two-parent households is 15.5 per 1,000.
Daughters of single parents without a Father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.
Adolescent girls raised in a 2 parent home with involved Fathers are significantly less likely to be sexually active than girls raised without involved Fathers.
- 43% of US children live without their father [US Department of Census]
- 90% of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
- 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes. [Criminal Justice & Behaviour, Vol 14, pp. 403-26, 1978]
- 71% of pregnant teenagers lack a father. [U.S. Department of Health and Human Services press release, Friday, March 26, 1999]
- 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
- 85% of children who exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. [Center for Disease Control]
- 90% of adolescent repeat arsonists live with only their mother. [Wray Herbert, “Dousing the Kindlers,” Psychology Today, January, 1985, p. 28]
- 71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. [National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]
- 75% of adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. [Rainbows f for all God’s Children]
- 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions have no father. [US Department of Justice, Special Report, Sept. 1988]
- 85% of youths in prisons grew up in a fatherless home. [Fulton County Georgia jail populations, Texas Department of Corrections, 1992]
- Fatherless boys and girls are: twice as likely to drop out of high school; twice as likely to end up in jail; four times more likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems. [US D.H.H.S. news release, March 26, 1999]
Census Fatherhood Statistics
- 64.3 million: Estimated number of fathers across the nation
- 26.5 million: Number of fathers who are part of married-couple families with their own children under the age of 18.
Among these fathers -
- 22 percent are raising three or more of their own children under 18 years old (among married-couple family households only).
- 2 percent live in the home of a relative or a non-relative.
- 2.5 million: Number of single fathers, up from 400,000 in 1970. Currently, among single parents living with their children, 18 percent are men.
Among these fathers -
- 8 percent are raising three or more of their own children under 18 years old.
- 42 percent are divorced, 38 percent have never married, 16 percent are separated and 4 percent are widowed. (The percentages of those divorced and never married are not significantly different from one another.)
- 16 percent live in the home of a relative or a non-relative.
- 27 percent have an annual family income of $50,000 or more.
- 85 percent: Among the 30.2 million fathers living with children younger than 18, the percentage who lived with their biological children only.
- 11 percent lived with step-children
- 4 percent with adopted children
- < 1 percent with foster children
- Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers.
- Studies on parent-child relationships and child wellbeing show that father love is an important factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.
- 24 million children (34 percent) live absent their biological father.
- Nearly 20 million children (27 percent) live in single-parent homes.
- 43 percent of first marriages dissolve within fifteen years; about 60 percent of divorcing couples have children; and approximately one million children each year experience the divorce of their parents.
- Fathers who live with their children are more likely to have a close, enduring relationship with their children than those who do not.
- Compared to children born within marriage, children born to cohabiting parents are three times as likely to experience father absence, and children born to unmarried, non-cohabiting parents are four times as likely to live in a father-absent home.
- About 40 percent of children in father-absent homes have not seen their father at all during the past year; 26 percent of absent fathers live in a different state than their children; and 50 percent of children living absent their father have never set foot in their father’s home.
- Children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely to be poor, to use drugs, to experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems, to be victims of child abuse, and to engage in criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.
- From 1995 to 2000, the proportion of children living in single-parent homes slightly declined, while the proportion of children living with two married parents remained stable.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Notes on the Secret pain of men
This weekend I got to give two talks to men about
the upcoming book series which might help transform your life or even go as far
as to save it in “strange fruit letters
to my unborn” at two different venues, one venue being my church and after the talks
the reaction of the people prompted me to share, as I mentioned before about
noticing that men (even the Christian ones) are
not in a good mental health place
across age race and creed, I feel I should share it with you ,it’s actually a
part of the book that I removed out of the book but basically seemed to stir everybody
who has read or heard it. And afterward I had some men come to talk to me about
being lonely, depression, pressure, anger, fear, wanting to leave their family children
and wife, commitment issues and some men
were even struggling/flirting with thoughts of suicide. Basically when I wrote in
the book I wanted to deal with what I call the Disconnect theory, which
basically means we have a fatherless generation and the psychological implications
of this on children, particularly men, the redefinition of masculinity and how it’s
separate us from the protective unconditional
love of god and family . Basically I shared something’s men know but very
rarely admit out of pride and women have no idea we go through and its nothing new.
1 It is very hard to be a man it doesn’t come natural
especially to the fatherless (disconnected), its hard work and most women have
no idea that men struggle with it especially in 2013 with redefinition of masculinity
and trying to figure our role in life. So much so we commit suicide, change
sexual orientation, commitment issues, leave perfectly happy homes , angry and depressed
men you see on the street , we get sick from stress and create the secret life
of us.
2 Men don’t do pain very well especially emotional and
psychological pain we say we are alright but most of time we are faking
3 Men process pain insecurity and pressure internally
so we don’t talk about it and when something goes wrong with the processing, it
goes from process to nurturing secret pain and it’s here you start to see symptoms
(peter pan syndrome alcohol drug abuse pornography excessive gaming insecurity etc)
4 If we do not process this pain we give you surface
and depth the second biggest theme in the book, we look fine but we are suffering inside and
this where you get sporadic anti-social behavior , and this makes us dangerous
to ourselves first and then to you (ladies) again symptoms will come and go
(mood swings, cheating, addictions etc )
5 ladies it is important as men to get him to talk especially
when it clears something has changed and you ask him what’s wrong and he say
nothing don’t pile the pressure just let him know the doors open, or try to get
somebody male positive and trusted to talk to him, but don’t talk around the
issues actually deal with the real issue change takes times so don’t rush, but
also remember he is nurturing pain you don’t want a seed to grow into a full
grown seed.
6 this is my personal formula for dealing with times
when I don’t know. I pray and I have learnt to strip myself of ego and find
help. Being a man is life time process and we need be aware of which season in
our life we are at. I hope it helped
Basically I have being sharing this with men and women
across race age and religion and for them so far it’s helped men deal with
feelings and past pain and just life pressure in general to here another man
talk openly about it and know that you’re not alone and we can share solutions,
and it has allowed the women who love these men to know how to approach there
men and their pain and catch the symptoms early if you really love him. I haven’t
figured the formula out but I thank god for letting me be an instrument for the
few people I have being allowed to influence.
Monday, August 19, 2013
storms poetry: Help me choose the book cover
storms poetry: Help me choose the book cover: AS we come to the final parts of the book process I have to decide on a book cover and I would love your feedback on which cover...
Help me choose the book cover
AS we come to the final parts of the book process I have to
decide on a book cover and I would love your feedback on which cover you like
the most for “ Strange fruit- letters to my unborn”, so please let me know
which one you like . Angel father or the
strange fruit thanks and much love and
be bless
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
"Crazy enough to love me" Wolf pack no 1 - The death Tapfuma the of birth of Storm
Wolf pack
My mother always told me when
I was growing up not to look for good or evil by what it looked like, but by
its fruit. I believe our generation in Zimbabwe was the second to experience a
wicked phenomenon that had already swept across Europe and certain parts of
Asia and the America’s over the last century. The sickness itself infected us
during the colonial era with their arrival for such a sickness had never
existed among our peoples and then again it might just have being a matter of
time, the destruction of the traditional family unit which was our strong hold
and our cultural values which were our force field against the attack, infected
and unknown, we started to show clear symptoms just before the revolutionary/
anticolonial wars, and “it” ultimately became a mutating virus at independence,
which reflected in the era’s value systems changes, some we choose our self
some imposed on us ,it doesn’t matter at the end of the day the people were
sick, but like any strong people some of us developed an immune system a new way of thinking and it was war, we were
drawn into a dog fight with no rules of engagement on either side. The sickness
I speak of and the fruit we became is “the fatherless generation” the strange
fruit destine in the future at one point or another to destroy each other. I
think we are doing better than the rest of the world because of our immune
system which would be eons of Culture that stems back to beginning of the world
itself, well.. well it simply refused to lie down and die, “it” our immune
system new well the only thing constant in life was change and although it was
not ready for the viciousness of the attack, it managed to simplify itself
because it knew after watching over the ages the simpler the organism the
better its chance of survival and planted this seed in some of us and somehow we
survived, but do not be fooled many us are still infected. I call it the
disconnect theory; I think in this era we live in now 2013 the greatest two
weapons of the enemy are fatherlessness and the ignorant. I don’t think society
fully comprehends how important it is for children both boys and girls to have
their father engaged in their lives. The enemy figured out if he could remove
the father figure from the home, be it physically emotionally mentally
financially and so on, a direct disconnect in the relationship between Man
(meaning humanity regardless of sex) and god would be formed and moral
decadence would reign, and if you think I am wrong just take a look at the
state of the world, wars sparked out of greed and stupidity/pride, abuse of
women at an all-time high, very little reverence for a life, the number of men
in prisons and the number of men who have changed their sexual persuasion, the
enemy has attacked our would be fathers and left the definition of masculinity
in tatters, need more convincing maybe turn on the news listen for 5 minutes
and cringe, profits and not prophets the lord’s prayer or novena does not start with our god or our lord it
starts with “our father” and some things will never change. We are made in
god’s image as 3 part beings, mind (soul), body and spirit, just as god is
Father, son and Holy Spirit. In this age even among the so called Christians,
we can accept Jesus easily as saviour and brethren, the holy spirit as the
comforter the soft side of or as some have argued the feminine side of god ,
but we tend to reject god the father, because we have never felt our earthly
fathers love and many who did have fathers growing up dealt with infected angry
broken abusive and a small group felt the real love, and the way we relate to
god is the same way we relate to him (our earthly father) and there is an anger
resentment, un-forgiveness and rebellion against authority in any form, serial
time stealers and the most precious thing we possess in this life is time, life
its self is time (Sadness in my voice) and the enemy achieved his goal … (laugh
with a hint of madness) to steal cheat
and destroy. And by the time you look up and realize what happened, it will be
time up.
They say self-sacrifice produces love and self-preservation selfishness
but in our case it was the sacrifice that produced the self-preservation which
allowed us to defy the laws of nature and retain our sanity where others would of lost their minds, it become a
strange and powerful thing (self-preservation- sacrifice), it had the strangest
capacity to draw the most unlikely of characters together, if Tupac was alive
he would say it allowed us to breathe
fresh air and walk with no feet, and still manage to reflect the inner
rose beauty god blesses all his children with. They also say you can’t choose your family but I
would also beg to differ some times its not blood you share its pain love and
the most painful and confusing hope, meet the Wolf pack my family away from
family, drawn together by our brokenness, issues and the
complexities/dispositions we faced in our homes and school environment we were
it, bonds formed in fire and a place of
no judgement, no need for understanding just acceptance and a chance to
sit down and breathe in all the crazy and busy of the world, some form of
warmth in the cold, and a method maybe reason behind the madness we face in our
private silence, and a chance for us to slow time down while moving at high speed and figure it out,
or at least attempt to figure it out, the who I am, “ who the me is?”, the real me not your expectations,
not my adaptations for your acceptance or the type casts life seemed to have
thrown us into. Wolf pack had 3 things in common:
1 we were either the smartest
or the fastest of our age group extremely gifted and creative, whether it for
the good or the unscrupulous, broken early in what I call spiritual war fare or
as my father would say “baptism by fire”. Simply trying to figure how to make
our gifts a blessing and not a curse .
2 We all had parent issues either the vicariousness of how they
lived through us which caused us to question our true dream, purpose and god
given instinct. In some cases to much guidance and in other cases not enough…
or our parents were absent physically mentally or emotionally, caught in their
own pain or a strange but real form of narcissism (they seemed completely
unaware) as a result we had developed distinct and certain disposition
incubated by a “do as I say not as I do” home environment which often fuelled a
silent rebellion, and the guerrilla warfare was on (the collateral damage or
innocence most of the time)
3 Last but not we become little people who all couldn’t wait to grow
up, unfortunately we didn’t know what we were asking for until we got their
then we wanted to grow down, and with that we made one promise that the “sins
of the fathers would not visit our sons” and we shed the skin of conformity in
the hope of building a new legacy a brighter tomorrow.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Letter 4 - Strange fruit letters to my un born
He stands in front of
the mirror in complete silence studying his own facial features, he does this
for at least two minutes, side to side, straight forward, a little under the
chin, deep into the depth of the eyes, we can’t leave out the classic jaw bone,
and he does the wise man pose and then he
laughs shaking his head with pride and anticapation, he repeats
something his mother told him time after time, “inimanche ndakazvara” the best
translation not the direct is “I make beautiful babies” (now I know you’re
thinking the vanity but like a good infomercial wait there’s more lol). He goes
back to looking in the mirror, focused and from the left side he slowly raises
up a picture of his wife’s face right next to his own face and starts to let
his imagination go wild, endless possibilities of the beauty to come, different
combinations of cheek bones, eye colours, lips nose hair complexion the
expecting father gone mad with anticipation (laughing) with the greatest
satisfaction he says “Anseu I am going to have to buy you a stick to beat the
women off you, yes sir”. He turns and looks at his wife’s picture and smiles
ever so gently he says “thank you” and with that he returns to his work desk.
The sound of a pen scribbling..
Man I can’t wait to see
you out here in the world, you got daddy acting a fool it’s a good thing your
Mama aight around right now to see me, it might spark a debate about who is
actually having the hormone issues between the two of us (laughing). Anesu in
the first entry I told you I started writing these letters because I was scared
if something happened to me you would join the ranks of the fatherless, I was
wrong and I can admit it and that fear has being lifted because I am married to
an amazing woman and I know she will love you until it’s done. (Real talk
clapping hands) don’t get me wrong a fatherless house is a terrible thing but
worse than fatherless house is loveless house(full of neglect) or an angry one
full of violence (be it verbal or physical), I figure children need love more
than they need two parents truest me I seen it with my own two eyes. I am a little
crazy but mom did more than alright, I know people who grew up in houses with
two parents and they are more messed up in the head than I am because there was
no love in the house and it’s the love that protects you and feeds the soul,
remember what I told you about surface and depth don’t look for evil by what it
looks like, you might find it in a shiny suit (laughing) or behind a smiling
face, back to the issue in those houses one of the parents or both of them might be selfish, manipulative, or
verbally physically sexually abusive or an angry parent, worse insecure. I
never would of thought I would say this but if the man in the house is any of
the for mention that house is most probably better off without him, oh I forgot
to mention a lazy man that’s just terrible father material. You will never have
to worry about that with me I am commited to you we are in covenant, you’re my
focus you’re my heart you’re my mind. I am going to try and be as engaged as
possible in healthy way with you and try
not to over parent and give lee way to grow and be your own person, you might
love the attention as a child but it will get on your ass when become teenager
and while we are here on the subject, I need to lay down the law now, no
surprises with me until you turn 18, I am not your friend I am your father I
don’t care what other houses are doing and I don’t care what’s cool out there ,
we doing me (laughing) and I am the law meaning father until your 18. Anyway
yeah, when I was growing up it was hectic but my mom and my aunts tried to fill
the house up with love. It didn’t always come in the form that was “normal”
whatever that means, but it was love never the less and I felt it. Growing up
in single parent house my mom was working a lot trying to provide for 3
children it wasn’t easy (a testimony to her strength) she spent a lot of time
working or resting but she always managed to do something or say something
small to let me know I was loved. Because it got so hectic I spent a lot of
time at aunts and my homeboys houses, two friends in particular and their
parents kind of took me on as one of
their own (it’s a African thing), I
think I was described as “mobile furniture” at one point, I think it was a
compliment. I fear in New Zealand you will never get to experience the love of
an extended family it’s just a different culture, in my personal belief I think
it (the extended family culture) protected us (Zimbabweans) from the full brunt
of the pandemic of the fatherlessness disease because there was always someone
to take care of you male and female it had its pro’s and it con’s like anything
human has its flaws but for most of it was good. Anesu, we have this word in
our culture called “kurerwa” it’s very complicated to translate to English,
stripped down to its simplest and raw essence it means to raise a child, but
its more than that its where you get your imprint, a secret knowledge passed
from parent to child, culture, manners, respect, attitude, swagga they are all
moulded into you during this incubation period of interaction between parent
and child, during this mentoring an imprint of a whole bunch of things
intangibles is done. Son I am just going to be real with you, you’re going to
be born in a narcissistic society with a disturbed and weakened definition of
masculinity and this affects parenting and the level of engagement modern
parents do, I need you to understand this because we are going to be raising
you different way from your counter parts which allows for you inherit your
culture and this might make you feel a bit alone because the human proclivity
is to be accepted. I find it strange maybe as an African male that men would
rather be making more money than they need, boasting to each other in pubs of
old glory days , the new business deals and be in the gym in their late 30’s 40
and 50 trying look good when the bodies going to die , rather than be spending
time with their children and the family like I explained before once times gone
it doesn’t come back. (And they wonder why they have mental health issues even
if they hide them well it’s that family time that restores ones sanity). Completely
off Let me tell a story about someone I know, I have being blessed that god
brings these people into my life and I call them anomalies simply because of the
peculiar circumstances under which we
meet and interact. Once upon a time in 2007 (this is a real story) I was in the
city of Auckland doing a favour for a friend he didn’t like to come to CBD
much, I was on Forte street that’s where
I had parked and I was walking to the car and I literally almost tripped
over these two young people as in ages
13 years old and this young lady was on her knee’s, tipsy giving the young man
a blow job (I am serious) in between my car and the next one. So the young man
sees me zips up and run’s off leaving the young lady on her knee’s with a
stranger who just caught her with a dick in her mouth. So I am stunned not at
the act so much but at the audacity of them to do it late afternoon or was just
stupidity I forget (if it had being me at that age I would waited for the cover
of darkness not that I am encouraging it), I wanted to laugh but I know I can’t
the young lady is embarrassed and distor enough, but at the end of the day I
need to get into the car but in front of my door of the car is this 13 year
white girl crying on her knees. (I am pause right here, we watched the death of
mocking bird and read a time a kill the inner African in me was like they will
put your innocent black ass in jail for a long time so turn around and walk
away). So I thought I would leave and come back latter unfortunately the inner
Christian in me over rode the African and I took a deep breath and hushed her
and helped her to her feet, I opened the car door and got her some tissues
(laughing) to wipe her face tears and knee’s. I waited a minute thinking, I
have had awkward silences in my life even as a writer I was having trouble
finding the right words to start a conversation so I went back to bible basics
because she just stood there staring at me, “are you okay?” she shook her head “is
there something I can do to help?” she shook her head again, so much for open communication.
I thought to myself “ well lord I tried I have done my bit we can go now right ?”,
the inner Christian was through and the inner African was shaking in his boots,
for some reason beyond my own understanding considering I just caught her with
a dick in her mouth I asked her if she wanted to get some food. Surprisingly
she nodded dam it. (I am pause right here and explain I was torn in 3 there was
a side of me which because of being raised by a women I had a soft spot for
this obviously lost and broken little girl and the protector in me wanted to
help her, 2 the inner African in me the so called “blackness” was saying they
will put your innocent ass in jail for being nice in the situation she is only
13 maybe 14 in third person to me wouldn’t
/didn’t look right, and often the reality of racism makes good men passive “keep
it moving Gerry, keep it moving” and the third was the Christian in me which
was desperately asking god what the right thing to do was self-preservation vs
possible false persecution? But the decision had already being made my
imagination had taken me to a place where I imagined having a daughter her age
in the future and the last thing I would want in her mouth would be a penis,
and if a stranger was to stop and help her I would be grateful. So we went up the street and got 2 burgers
and stuff and sat down in a nearby park, in silence all the way but her mood
had lightened up and look of surprise and caution at my kindness sat on her
face. After the meal and some strange looks exchanged I was rather surprised
she wasn’t scared of me (my blackness I mean), so I asked simply because it’s a
red light when a child is doing what she is doing at her age I know from
personal experience, “do you want to talk about it?” I wasn’t surprised but
what she divulged it’s a tale I have heard many times before, I have witnessed
it and in my younger years even being a part of (as the boy who fled). She was
the rich kid whose father was always away doing business and when home
emotionally vacant or very controlling, her mother a socialite more interested
in Yoga keeping in shape and tanning than raising her daughter but in public
they appeared to the happy perfect family, the little girl lost felt more like
her mother’s trophy to brag about than a daughter, she (this little girl)
raised by the media and her own devices with a deep but hidden sense of neglect
and self-esteem, started looking for or love and acceptance in any form she
could find it and boys were the easiest and most natural source of attention.
She spoke of vicious cycle concerning her self-esteem she did things with boys
to get attention but ended up feeling worse when she was alone. Anesu it was
along afternoon boy, I would like to say I was shocked, but I wasn’t this was
just a re-run of stuff I had seen in my child hood. What did shock me was how
this young lady felt more comfortable pouring out her heart to a stranger than
she did talking to her parents or friends. She obvious hadn’t been programed
yet about the “black monster” because she didn’t fear me at all I would like to
think she was just looking for any form of male affirmation (I will explain
that one in another chapter) or a caring dady what we describe as father hunger.
Either way after she had poured her heart out to me she gave me a big hug just
for listening of course I got her off me asap and politely as possible I didn’t
want here to feel rejected but , the inner African screamed “jail don’t drop
the soap!” (Laughing but I am serious). It was a John Koffi moment for sure I
offered to pray for her, she said she didn’t believe in god but she would take
it if I thought it would help, so we prayed, to cut a long story short I still
know the young lady and I guess in me she found a mentor, (not the best mentor
to pick I can promise you that) or some kind
of daddy figure I learnt one truth daddy hunger doesn’t see race just
safety, I am glad to say she is in her first year of university (2013) and
doing good with a healthy self-esteem and she is not perfect she still has
issues but she is in better place
mentally and spiritually for simply having a friend she could talk to
and she knew no matter what would not be judged, here I am not talking about
myself I am talking about Jesus if I had
tried to save her it would of being the blind leading the blind all I did was
provide and ear when she need to talk and the occasional hug when she need it.
I marvel when I see how far she has come from the little girl lost with a dick in her mouth to this amazing young lady
to be with so much potential and bright future, and that’s just real talk not
me insulting her. Now, why did I tell you that story? Because life is a school
master, and the first and most important lesson is my promise, I promise to
always be available to you in every form but especially emotionally, I might
not always like everything that you do (ass whoop when you act a fool laughing)
but I will always love you unconditionally when we I was growing we used to say
hate the sin and not the sinner I was always boggled at an African mothers
ability to beat you senseless and then hold you gently while tending your
wounds, after becoming a father for the first time with your sister who passed
I understood why and when my mother used to say “this will hurt me more than it
will hurt you” especially when I was the one doing all the screaming. Number 2
a lot of people because of Surface and depth thing can’t admit this openly, but
it’s not how you start but how you finish, cliché yet true but she is living
proof and so am I, the things I being through and survived would make the
ordinary man take his own life, and the bad decisions I made out selfishness fear
immaturity you name it no excuses, but we refused to stay there us broken
people need to stick together in Christ, never let a bad decision define your
life time, and don’t be quick to judge your never know about the pain that
people don’t speak of that prompted there decisions give them room to breathe
and change. Number 3 Satan will always send something in our child hood to try
and distract us from our destiny and ultimately destroy us, I read the
scripture enough to know Gods is for me and not against me and I have lived
life long enough to know the Devil is real, just in case you’re wondering why I
believe in god so much let me explain, and no I didn’t wake up one morning
slain in the spirit or have some deep revelation in church and come down the aisle
doing back flips and have hands laid on me and pass out , remember how your
daddy told you he was hard headed (laughing) let’s put it this way I have being clinically dead
5 times(you would think the once would of done the job) I don’t need anybody to
tell me whether or not there is a heaven and hell when you cross over you feel
both the darkness and the light, sign sealed delivered I am his God is real and
so is the other one Satan, anyway back
to the issue. If I told you the numbers of female friends I have who were
abused sexually as children you would be shocked and ask the same question I
ask all the time what going on in the
ranks of manhood that we don’t protect our rib inadvertently when we hurt a
woman we hurt ourselves (some of you will get it some of you won’t) I as an
individual fight our women all the time, but we as men and I mean the
collective have failed women miserably,
if I told you the number of issues the men I know are struggling with from
their childhood pain which started as a seed and grew into addictions (from
porn alcohol to gaming), emotional disconnection and vacancy and domestic
violence, anger and my personal
favourite “secret lives of us” it’s not that they are bad people it’s the bi
product of surface and depth thing as I like to call it “strange fruit” ,you
would refuse to come out the womb and into the world (laughing) that’s why your
bible and your prayer life are important son, you’re going to need them in fight with princes of this world. Number 4
know your own heart this one as a man is a tricky one you have to be honest
with yourself about your motives when you help somebody(laughing), me being
25years at the time and her being 13 when we became friends was hard enough
because of the age gap and New Zealand is full of paedophiles . I saw her as a
little girl lost girl who need a friend in cold world or little sister from
another mother, but from previous friendships with women my own age, I was
aware at one point or another when as a man you take a male role in girls/
woman’s life to fill a male void that line in her head where I am a friend or
more gets very blurred in this case it was easy to deal with simply because of
the age gap, I was very aware after 2 years of knowing each other she had a crush on me but also knew why she had a
crush on me and I made it extra clear I was big brother not a lover it took her
time to get over it but she did, but with women my own age from the tender age
of 15 until now for myself , me and my females friends often crossed the line
simply because we are human, until I met your mother I struggled with that
issue and think many men do to having the relationship with out the
responsibility of commitment, to the commitment is knowing you are responsible
for someone else’s happiness at least to some extent. The solution to problem
is knowing your heart, check your motives and draw the boundaries early,
alternatively run! (Laughing). There are a lot of lessons I found out from my
friendship with this young amazing lady to many to put down in one entry. I
think the hardest thing I had to do to help this young lady was to override my fear
of getting in trouble for personally and morally doing the right thing in my
heart against societies stigma’s and my own ( honestly if my 13 year old
daughter told me she had 25 year old
friend there is possibility I would go to jail for life and that’s one
of life’s contradictions), death of a mocking bird is real they whoever they
are love to put black men in jail for anything they don’t care about justice or
innocence, but the scriptures say “where good men stand aside and do nothing
evil abounds” I assure you this
scripture has being the cause of many of my moral dilemmas. I am sad to say
Anesu growing up sometimes I could saved a number of women/girls heart ache and
pain but the moral dilemma of what was right and wrong made me stand aside and
let evil abound, I should of known better this is spiritual warfare, a dog
fight and we are on the front line and taking causalities in the form of the
innocence of our youth, a “dog fight” which means there are no rules as long as
fight with love honesty and a brick(laughing your daddy is far from perfect).
In a world full of evil and paedophiles (who I believe should be physically
castrated, there I said it) who would believe the “black monster” (as we have
being painted) could have a friendship and be a protector to the lost little
white girl lost, like little red riding hood. That’s just how crazy my life is
on any given day I don’t choose it, it just happens (laughing) and for some
reason beyond my self-god has seen it fit for me to meet many of these
anomalies and share some part of my light with them. I take solace in that our
friendship ( me and the little girl lost) took the dick out her mouth until she
was old enough to make a proper at least a more mature decision about a dick in
the mouth (sounds wrong but you know what I mean). Anesu I seem to have
introduced you unwittingly to one of life’s contradictions or enigmas as a man
and I don’t want to appear as a hypocrite. Bring it into the huddle son bring it in, know you see my first nature is
to be a protector of women, for a long time I endeavour to treat women the way
I want my mother aunts niece’s and sister to be treated with respect love and
honour, to let them through the door first and open doors for them, I even go
as far as to actually really listen to what they have to say but (laughing) son
there is this drug in my veins called testosterone and it triggers the second
nature, the pursuit of the booty, the hunter inside of me is awoken, he is hungry and he is a skilled
crafts man dedicated to perfection, focused lol (how do you think you were
conceived) it’s like Dr Hinn and Mr Jekyll . So if you find yourself in a
relationship with a woman and its gets a bit schizophrenic, it’s the drug
testosterone and the fact that you’re a Munengami male which means you have a
high libido, don’t look at me like that you’re lucky I am telling you I had to
figure it out all by myself master it and come to terms with it, one minute you
want to protect that ass, the next thing you know you know you want to rub that
ass, and when the hunter inside of you is fully awake you want to slap that ass
(pause) it’s okay its normal unless of course the female is related to you then
we need to get you help. I will let you mould it over for a while, daddy ahas
to go and make that paper or we will be sleeping under a bridge. I love you son
and I keep you in my prayers to be full of blessing and that you don’t get
caught in the trap of surface and depth, mostly that when you’re born you are a
free and honest soul.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
letters to my unborn - letter 3
Once again my ninja
like reflexes save me from an attack as the egg fly’s millimetres from my right
eye and splatters behind me on the wall, the car roars off the and the drunken
rich kid shouts at the top of his lungs “fuck you nigger! Wooo!!” from the safety
of his car unaware of how he just embarrassed himself and his race, I can’t
exactly blame him attitude is reflection of leadership after all they did vote
for John Key to be Prime minister and that says a lot. The lack of anger and
the deep sigh that leave my chest tell you a story, this wasn’t the first time
and it most probably won’t be the last, a wise and apologetic smile finds
itself on my face, once again I am reminded I possess something they will never
have “class”, despite having all the opportunities and material goods which the
so called third world children don’t have, it was the poorest generation I had
ever seen in terms of character, with that I walked to the closest bus stop
opened my bag, pulled out my pad and picked up my sword which would be my pen, “
I learnt to think ahead so I fight with my pen” as the image of a passionate
young Tupac flash through my mind it was time to engage ignorance in a battle
which it would ultimately lose in my unborn child ,at least that was the hope…
sometimes I wondered did I really live in a free and fair New Zealand or was I still
in the stone age, teenagers calling me names trying to egg me, at night having
to deal with a police who were undereducated and over testosterone with a
reputation for gang rape and the use of excessive force, “life” as always was
never far away my school master he pointed out to me they (the police) had no
reverence for life. “life” whispered in my ear “while they waste tax payer
money harassing you because of the colour of your skin, another young lady was
drugged and raped, another drunk driver took a life, another executive just
stole a few million, but don’t you worry at the end of the day the tortoise
will catch up with the hare, whether they believe in god or not we all stand
before god the father ”..umm? I can’t lie the temptation is to give up this
fight I never picked but found myself in fiddled with my mind, I looked in the
distance eyes wide shut and just like a movie, I saw a young Nelson Mandela in
his solitude looking through the bars of his cell and felt what he felt for
just a moment, in a slow motion I watched the dust rise and his body fall and I
walked over to him in my mind I knelt down and kissed Malcolm good bye, as I
light my cigarette I watch the smoke
rise as the plane crashed toward the earth a sense of panic and peace as
I waved goodbye at Samora Michel trying to make sense of it, that the father
doesn’t call you home unless your jobs done, the tears wanted to flow like
blood from Martins wounds as he struggled to breathe and for a moment I laid
down to dream just to see this vision, and to get away from the madness I place
my cold hands over my face I find myself examine how on one side they are one
colour and on the other another and the laugh of madness and a trade mark
single tear asked god the same question I asked last time how can this be the
source of such hatred. I looked at the back of my hands again and all of a
sudden a nine inch mail burst through my palms, “jesus?” and I knew change as
slow as it would be, would only come through blood… was it worth it… Did we
make a difference? I don’t suffer from guilt or escapism reality is the bed I
sleep in, I was pained that when we really gauged it you see, surface had changed
but the way of thinking had remained the same…(The sound of scribbling),
Anesu first and for
most I love you(smiling), I didn’t want to know your gender until you were born
but the stupid doctor referred to you as he, so its confirmed you’re a young
prince and when I write to you I can be more specific. I have to share with you
something my mother told me early in my life to edify me, it confused me at
first because I did not understand why it was relevant, it hurt when I
understood it because it’s unfair but we have to go through it, but it would
protect me and drive me later on in life and stop me from making excuses. It
was soon after my father died about a month had pasted, I remember she sat me
down “real talk baby” there was a deep sadness in her eyes but its wasn’t grief
for my father and unfortunately I would see this look often on her face when
something relevant needed to be explained, she starred at me in the silence for
a minute as she mustered the strength to explain a truth( because truth hurts)..
“baby you’re going to grow up to be a young
black male, and to achieve anything in this world even the ordinary, you are
going to have to work twice to three times as hard as your counter parts,
(taking my hand to affirm me) it’s not your fault… there is nothing wrong with
you and it’s not anything you did, there just something evil in the world a spirit and that’s
just something you need be aware, on the surface they say we are equal to ease their
own conscience but we live in the reality,(like when you sit on the bus and
they tighten their grip on the purse whoever they maybe?) people are good at
lying to themselves and I won’t send you into this world a cripple because of
lies, I would I would rather have you hurt and aware so you can be affective
and you know how to fight, than some lily livered pansy crippled by lies in a
cruel world that doesn’t know the meaning of the word mercy, when the realities
of life hit they hit hard and without mental fitness you won’t survive baby,
and when the going gets tough the tough get going you man up and drop your nuts,
don’t bitch and do what you need to, life can be a dog fight ..no rules nothing
soft came out of my body, mama had nothing but soldiers (rubbing my head) know
you remember that minimum twice as hard.”
Your grandmother, my
mother (laughing in retrospect) is the wisest and the most gangster person I
ever met figuratively and literally, people say it all the time as a cliché but
she really is my hero, if life really is a fight she designed my defence and my
offense and all my life she has being more than a coach and mother, without her
I would not be here and you wouldn’t coming to the world, at least coming to a happy
home by design. When you’re old enough be sure to thank her and for your own
safety be polite around her, I am 30, 90 kg’s of pure muscle and she’s in her
60’s and fragile and I am still scared of her (laughing) you be wise to take
suit or you will find out about those legendary ass whooping I spoke of. Anyway
Anesu the reason I am sharing this with you, is that the higher calling of life
is to be a human being and treat everybody as such regardless of race. But because
the African in me which certain people describe as my “blackness” will be in
you, and in as much as I will try and protect you from it sooner or later you
will experience racism, me myself as a child it boggled me to be hated for no
reason only to find out it was my skin colour which when I entered the world I
had no control of not that I would change it, you would be surprised how stupid
and immoral society can be unashamedly to. If I did not prepare you for this I
would be undoing my mothers work and making you a cripple, I think I can hear
you right know from the Ether
“why do they hate us so?”..
When I was a child I
asked the same question until I got tired of asking because there was no clear
answer, and resolved to grow a thick skin and as I got more personal in my walk
with Jesus I learnt not to let the devil steal my joy through this issue, you
cannot be a real Christian and a racist at the same time, it’s like water and
oil they don’t mix and if you think you can be both then you’re lying to
yourself and people do that a lot (lie to themselves), back to your question, to
be honest I have no idea I will ask god when I am called home but I would like
think fear and ignorance play a big role it and men’s ego’s as well. Let me
explain something to you although often they look alike there is a big
difference between a ignorant person and racist they are a lot ignorant people
out there and often in the heat of a moment we the oppressed loosely us the
word racist. Trust me when you meet a real racist you will know there is an
evil a coldness to them that is abrasive to essence of your soul.(Sad laugh) I
am not supposed to be scared because of my faith, but “real talk baby” although
this generation has access to so much information I have never seen such a
dumbing down of a generation, and where ignorance abounds racism flourishes and
I have no idea how I am going to protect you, but I am sure of two weapons in
the fight ,love and knowledge, and I will be real with you like mom’s was me,
you have no idea how much I love you (pride). Can I just get real with you this
could be like our first father son moment like I had with mine, okay this is my
personal theory I could be right and I could be wrong in life there are many
shades of grey, but I think racism is many fear things coming together to
perform evil and ... Wait, pause, I need to explain something to you and this
is a fact, most people have a preconceived idea in there head of what a (fingers
in the air quote on quote) “black male is, should do, should be, how we think
and how we feel” unfortunately our reality is nothing like our percept of the
“black male” and often this is the cause of silent pain we rarely if ever speak
about, but if you are aware of it when it comes you will be able to deal with
it. It will make sense when you are here and you actually experience it, my words
don’t do the experience justice. Yellow green black or white just now being a man
a real one ? (Laughing) its hard…
Having said that I believe what we as “black
men” have experienced over the last 500 years in the form of oppression was
designed to emasculate us mentally emotionally shit in some cases physically,
don’t laugh because I am serious it might sound silly but I believe it and this
is my personal belief nobody else’s you won’t get this kind of knowledge in a
book those who win wars write history(laughing) because it written in the stars,
peoples actions and fears, so what is that daddy is trying to tell you? I
believe there is direct correlation between penis seize and racism (yes I said
it.. I think somebody just fainted). And this misconstrued subconscious sense
of masculinity is partially responsible for racism (for those of you with a
lesser vocabulary I basically said if Africans had being born with small dicks
we would not have being as hated on as we were). Okay Anesu young prince; Let me share a
secret with you, real talk baby (clapping hands) real talk. I was born in
Zimbabwe in the 1980’s and grew up there and accept for post-colonial race
tensions and a very soul alerting (and that’s me being polite) visit to
Apartheid South Africa as a child (again thank you Mandela) my exposure to
“real” racism was limited, like for real I was a African in Africa surrounded
by Africans we spoke about it and occasionally it reared its ugly head but
nothing really life changing directly happened to me accept for that visit to
South Africa but that’s another entry in and of its self, and when I was very
young about 5 years old we had this neighbour shit, if Zimbabwe was not independent
this dude would of lynched our ass(I am serious) with every fibre of his being
he let us know he hated us and we had no business in suburban neighbourhood. If
I can be honest with you and I will be because you’re my son, in my first visit
to the west which was England, away from home (Zimbabwe) where my worth and identity
as a human being was always asserted and I had never being fully being tested
meaning my defence against hatred, you see my mom had coached me because she
knew it was inevitable that me and the beast would meet, but I had being on
side lines and not the for front, I hadn’t being in the game or in the ring
such to speak, I wasn’t ready for the level of war fare that my parents had
faced until I faced it personally it was mystic. I was shocked and disgusted
and definitely not ready for the level of ignorance and “real” racism I was
affronted with when the safeguard of being a majority was dropped at my
departure. I remember thinking to myself, “and … (slowly) these are supposed to
be civilized people? Okay, right, really? This must be some sick joke? ” at
that moment I felt what I can only describe as pain as the ideology and the
reality of equality rudely awakened me, who I was in Zimbabwe and my rights a
human being apparently where not the same in the UK. (you must understand at
the time Mandela had just being realised and made president and I was ardent
student of Martin Luther King and I was engrossed in the dream and being the
better human being, It’s like being African was a disease and for the first time ever in my life I found
myself questioning self-worth based on my race. You know inherently that there
is nothing wrong with you but you are asking yourself “what’s so wrong with me
to garner such looks and enmity”. I remember one night by which time I had
moved to Australia for university I was stopped by the police 4 times in less
than 20 minutes, my crime walking home from university from the library after
midnight I was so full of fury because less than 50 meters behind me, there were
drunk Australian students cussing kicking down rubbish bins and lifting car
wipers and they drove past them like they were blind and somehow I was the threat, I was so sad
and furious at the same time my body shook uncontrollably. I wanted to call my
family but I didn’t want them worry and I found myself at the place called
alone. I had friends and even a girlfriend at the time but I didn’t want to be
seen in this weakened state of mind, and so I cried all night yes me a grown
ass man, well at I at least in my 20’s then, I cried because I was so homesick
and I just wanted to hug my mom and feel her arms around me and her warmth to
chase away the lies and the pain, I wanted so badly to look into my father’s
eyes to find truth to find my identity, the inner turmoil I felt, it was like
last moments at my father funeral watching casket being lowered and some part
of me died and that’s how felt for a second time in my life like I was the one
in the casket, my stomach churned so badly that if I had drank milk that night
I would shat butter the next morning, sorry for being so graphic but I really
want you to get it. Something inside of me began to harden, My mother’s good
teaching protected me, strengthened me, as always I thank her for giving me the
bible, any dis allusion meant I had about humanity and the western definition
of civilized was stripped from my mind violently. Everywhere I went I was made
very aware of this new thing to me which would be “my blackness” which I was
never aware of in Zimbabwe, where I was just another human being, your regular
Joe, such battles and epiphanies if not dealt with make you the cripple and at
the time I was injured but not crippled. A new war for me raged unlike what my
parents faced for me to be born free, my struggle was to remain free where it
counted the most in my head, same evil different face. Anesu surface had
changed but the way of thinking hadn’t as Bob Marely said ,
"Until the
philosophy which holds one race superior and another inferior is finally and
permanently discredited and abandoned... Everything is war. Me say war. That
until they’re no longer 1st class and 2nd class citizens of any nation... Until
the colour of a man's skin is of no more significance than the colour of his
eyes, me say war. That until the basic human rights are equally guaranteed to
all without regard to race me say war!”
I battled with my belief the ideology and what
was a very apparent the reality but one thing kept in all it an Aboriginal
friend of mine named Garfield reminded me of a basic truth after we came back
from he called “Walk about” basically you go into the wilderness and lose
yourself to find yourself , and I am going to share it with you, this piece of
advice I am about to give you is like a good scripture wrap it around your
heart because it will protect you until the day the father calls you home even
when I am not there it will keep you. Watch my lips open your ears and open
your heart, this is our father son moment aight .. You ready (never being so
serious)… “Know who you are” that’s it, very simple but extremely hard to do,
when you know who you are you can face anything. This is the greatest piece of
advice I can give you accept for give your life to god and trust him. (If you
were here right now I would give you the biggest hug in the world because I am
vulnerable right now and 2 what I am asking you to do takes a life time of
testing and pain to know you have arrived and want to give you my blessing and
strength ). While you are discovering who you are because that’s what life is I
will give you a true north which is point that never changes, if you ever get
lost come back to this point, you are even before your my son, “a child of the most high god
fearfully beautifully and uniquely made in his image.” This is who you are now
it, own it; it will protect you in this crazy world. In my mental war it
stopped me from falling preyer to a twin evil we call reverse racism and show
some class, it allowed me to keep my integrity, and preserve my dignity. In this war it was my armour against any inferiority
complex’s, a teacher to show me how to master my mind the most bloody war field,
and a seeker of light in darkness, in my heart it kept love hope and faith
alive so I could receive and give it, in the mirror it allowed me to accept my
own uniqueness and in my life it allowed me to re-invent myself with the change
of seasons, we didn’t allow fear into our heart and I found a way of balancing
practical ideal’s around a cold reality. For today I think that’s enough Anesu
somehow if you follow my advice because it’s hard ask, I believe I just gave
you your inheritance that money can’t buy, no pain is wasted if you chose to
learn from it. Having said that, real talk one last time Anesu, one of the
tricks I used to walk away or smile and laugh in the face of racism because
some battle are just not worth fighting they have no spoils at the end of them,
bring it into the huddle Anesu, bring it in son, I am about to share (looking
over both shoulders) a “black people” secret with, you know like why we love
chicken so much? (Laughing) . What allowed me to show class and not fall to
their level of hatred whoever they are? Was a facial expression…? (Silence) yep
that’s it. I know you’re like a facial
expression? , and I am like yeah. Aight Anesu work with me I need you use your
imagination, I want you to imagine how European men where going around the
world conquering everybody and everything in these big boats, beating on his
chest with his fist a manly man with
hair on his chest and beer in hand, and then they arrived on the shores of
Africa and the met the first Africa men(laughing) ripped muscles, in fact
muscles that had pet muscles, shining glistening Hershey brown skin, free and
naked ( back then we redefined free willy it was whale of an issue laughing ), standing
solid as a mountain, dick down to his knee swaying in the air like Tarzan. And
when people throw hateful words and actions at me my mind goes to that very
moment and the facial expression of the visitor just and thinks of their facial
expression. (Use your imagination) and I walk away and I laugh. Anyway Anesu I
never said it was right I am just saying it helped me walk away from many a
fruitless fight. Its why despite somebody just throwing an egg at me I am the
one laughing at them. Anyway young princes until the next inspiration know that
I love you so much.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Return to the Mecca ... Letter to my un born 2
Good morning Anesu, it just me Da putting in another
entry and just letting you know you’re on my mind and that I love you. There is
something I wanted to share with you as your father to be, I feel like
life’s is a big old book and we write in it through our choices and actions, each season
and cycle in our life is a just a
chapter and often we meet people in
different chapters of our life, just as you will meet me in one of my chapters and as you
start your own story, part of the secret to life is not to define a the whole
book by a single chapter sometimes the intro isn’t good as the ending, and not every chapter is action packed when you
arrive here and as you get older you will understand, and the best place to
start a story is at the beginning which is not with me but with your
Grandparents. The greatest gift I was given and I will pass on to you is our
last name it is the beginning but not the end of your identity. It is the beginning
of your legacy, before I go there one of the reasons I write to you is simply
because of God’s love and if
something should happen to me I know he will watch over you, the problem in
here lies, If you have never know the love of an earthly father, you may have
nothing to compare it with the heavenly Father’s love. He absolutely adores you
but we hope it never comes down to that and that we do meet in person. I guess
I am one of the lucky ones as short as it was I did get to feel my father’s
love and I assure it was an amazing, money can’t buy it , I remember a time
when no place was higher and more sacred
or safer than my father’s shoulders. He had such a presence you could feel him
when he walked into the room and you were not looking at the door. I have also
decided to create a time capsule for you and in there I will place a picture of
Sekuru (Shona for granddad) and Ambuya (Grand ma) a tree is only as strong as
its roots and I assure you your roots are tremendously strong. You won’t have
the pleasure of meeting my father until god calls us back home, but you will
meet my mother hopefully. When you do meet my mother I have a disclaimer for
you and a piece of advice, approach her with respect for your own safety out of
love she will put a foot up your ass, then put a foot up my ass for not putting
a foot up your ass in the first place, then I will have to put my foot up your
ass, then you will have two feet up your ass you don’t want that. The lesson to
be learnt is be respectful (laughing), seriously I grew up in a time when they
taught us to respect our elders even when they were not always that respect worthy
they don’t teach that much now, so I am tell you now the power of respect is
not to disrespect, it sounds cliché but respect is earned and the fact that
your elders have being on earth longer than you subsequently earns them minimum
respect having said that, elders can lose that respect to gauge it well as it is a thin line. Anyway let me get back
to the family history/tree. When I decide that I was going to make your mother
my wife which was pretty much years after we met I had known here a long time,
I forget what she said but after she said it I knew she was the one , I
remember telling your Uncle Tau Tau that’s my future wife and he (Tau) laughed hard almost passed out
chocking, I can’t blame him I was in a very
crazy back then, very bachelor chapter of my life at the time not meaning to
sound corny (some real talk) it just felt like an angel or spirit whispered in
my ear this the one, flesh of your flesh and bone of your bone that’s why I
call your mom my rib, we complete each other when we are not trying to kill
each other in private,its real love(laughing). Anyway after my epiphany I called
up my mom, throughout my life she has being book of knowledge for me even when
we went to war (that’s a completely different chapter if not a book), but up
until then I hand never really asked any question about her and Da I figure it
would cause ache, every time I felt the urge to ask I remember how deeply she
wept on the grave every Sunday afternoon, after church when we went to place
flowers by the Tombstone. It made me ask what kind of love was this that they
shared that ran so deep, so committed that flaunted itself in her pain so
openly a love that never seemed to age and defied time, like I said I learnt a
secret about time and so I knew if I wanted to ever know I would have to chance
at the risk of opening old wounds I needed to know so I asked her what it is
about my dad that let her know he was the one. (Laughing) the reply was rather
shocking I was hoping for some mystic deep romantic response no.
“baby back in the day your father looked like
Sidney Poitier (taking a deep breath) he was beautiful human being to look at
and all the girls wanted him but I got him and he had big hands and feet you
know what that means ”
“mom don’t go there (ugh…)that’s it mama He looked Sidney ?”
“Yes that is it do you want me to lie to you?”
(Of course she was messing with me)
Anyway
your grandfather had many outstanding qualities very intelligent, warm
generous, funny when he spoke well and was extremely protective but a quiet
soul, he didn’t like to go to church much but he was a very spiritual being and
deeply respected the ancestors. He didn’t call my mom by her name; he called
her mudikanwi which means “loved one in Shona” and twice a year or more he
would take her travelling to some distant part of the world he was never afraid
to spoil her. Apparently he was a good dancer, and I personally will never get
it but he had good hair I will never understand what that does for women, but I
have the same thick hair as well so I
guess it works, we don’t have to worry about balding as we age it’s not in the
gene’s. He was very stylish a trend setter if you will (that gene seems to have
skipped me). Nothing was more important than family to my father he invested in
the people as well as the land he was from, he was very gifted at managing
money but he didn’t care so much about it (money) but in the well fare of the
people, we used to make 4 to 5 trips to his tribal land (kumusha) every year
with car full of food and gifts. I could
go on and on and on, nobody I met had anything bad to say about him even his
enemies had praise for him. When I was growing up I remember under achieving on
purpose because the bar had being set that high and I had no idea how to get
there absolutely clueless and I guess
that’s one of the problems with being fatherless the lack of direction, and I
figured if I hide my gifts sooner or later the expectations of greatness would
pass me over me , the wind without focus is harmless at best chaotic but never a force, and I think it was TD
Jakes who best captured it when he said “energy not used will turn on itself” I
am a living witness that statement is true which will explain that period in my
life when I was very lost. Without direction without my compass (my father) my
wrestling match significances and self-worth began I had to figure out who I
was, I was an artist with a brush and blank canvas and no muse but a urge to draw .. It was a mess. To be
the son of “Samson Munengami” was pressure to achieve great things, these were dark
and hard chapters of my life people say I don’t regret , rubbish I regret that
phase of my life. Hiding my gifts caused my mom heart ache through disappoint
because she could see the potential even though she didn’t say it very often
she believed in me and I begin to understand the pain I caused her as you make
your journey into the world , I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did,
you have 2 generations of gifts fire and intelligence and the heart beating in
your chest and in your veins don’t hide
it, master it through confidence and humility and know the difference between
confidence and pride, be the best you
can be, at whatever you choose to be,
don’t get distracted, for many years I would be lost not living my purpose on a
detour that road was rough, a battle with alcoholism that would almost kill me 5 or more times,
having said that I just want to tell you right now! You might find this hard to
conceive but you’re my hero the idea of you kept me going through the darkest
of nights, and when it looked like I was going to lose my battle with alcohol along with my mind ,and the sins of the father
would visit you, I saw your face in a dream and kept swinging and I still am
and I won’t stop, where ever you were in the ether the idea of holding you or
missing the chance to hold you become my souls fuel to live the option of
suicide became an impossibility( any and every man who has lived past the age
of 25 has contemplated suicide at least once). I realized my decisions now will
affect you latter although my father was a good man and he was not abusive, but
I always felt he chose the bottle over me, and I let go and let God be my father and stopped trying
to do things in my own strength and be in control, a complete game changer for
me I have mixed feelings about bringing life into this world because humanity
is ugly sometimes. The scriptures which will be your friend say we came to bear
witness to dying world, but my love for you over rides everything else I feel
and the more I let god love me the more I know I will be able to love and
protect you even when I don’t now how, so before you come into the world, thank
you for being my hero. I just want to say to you ,have no doubt that I will
wage war for you to at least be breathing when you are born, and if anything
should happen to me I will find a way to
keep you from the other side because even I cannot defy gods will, sometimes ….
Sometimes I feel like there’s force protecting me and I like to think it’s my
father both of them , because with all the crazy shit I done in this life time I should be dead.
Anyway my craziness runs in your veins as I explained before, coupled with your
mother craziness I have a feeling I am going to have to be firm open and tough
love with you, do you know what that means I am tear ass up you act a
fool (laughing). Before I babble on to long let me share with you my three
favorite activities I did with my father.
1 My
father loved to go fishing I hated it, fishing that’s is I hated the smell and
disliked worms (we didn’t have fancy bait back then) and honestly, when I was
that young fish scared me anything that wriggled scared me snakes worms fish
spiders etc, but I enjoyed the time alone with my father it was sacred and his
presence made me brave so my fear of fish temporarily disappeared. He gave me
two of the greatest gifts then, I have to this day the ability to sit in
silence and enjoy the presence of someone else without frivolous conversion
just the occasional pat on the head somehow that kept me silent or is long
finger pointing at a spectacle of nature like an eagle flying overhead or what
he called gods finger at dawn as silver line reseeded on face of the lake. He
also taught me how to still my soul umm its complicated to explain but its
allowed to develop my third eye and my sixth sense earlier than most my father said it allowed
to see the spirits of and in nature and
the ancestors. The coolest thing about Da is from about the age of 5 he spoke
to me in a way that was simple enough for me to understand but as an adult, we
would be walking through the bush and out the blue he’d stop kneel down to my
level look me in the eye and say something like this “mwana wangu mu upenuyu
usa vimbe nechinu chisiri chako” (my child never put your faith in other people
stuff just your own). I felt like a Grown ass man and I still miss him. My
second favorite activity with my father was that he used to love to take long
drives to nowhere in particular and listen to music international and local he had
particular liking for Bob Marley and the Eagles when you’re old enough Google
them, and locally Mukanya and Tuku. Back then we had tapes and tracks in cars
you had to listen to the whole dam album, there was none of the I-pad or phone.
I think these long drives where supposed to be his alone time from my mother which
every man does despite how in love you are. Lord knows she had her moments, and
one when he was leaving I cried so hard for him to take me along with him and
would he cave in. There was a condition to me going along with him where ever
we went I couldn’t tell my mom, it is here I got to see the other side of my
father in modern day terms I guess it would be either him cutting loose with
the Fella’s not a care in the word discussing politics and football and the
likes, or he would drive out to a quiet place and there was this one particular hill let the
music play and enjoy a few beers and just let go of the world, I would
inherit this particular quality to spend
large amounts of time by myself sipping and
listening to music in my own world.
Last but not least my
third favourite activity with father was the swings and gardening. Our house
had a design that had a bar literary a bar that looked out on a raised veranda
which might go far to explain our alcoholic tendencies, on each side of the
Veranda was a set of step leading down to the back yard on the right was rose
garden my father had planted with bare
hands for my mother always the romantic, the garden was gorgeous in the season of bloom and to the far
left was vegetable garden which we
actually ate from fresh and healthy, despite all the education and having
travelled the world my father was an earth man he never really forgot his
humble country beginnings and when he
felt sick or stressed he would walk bare foot in the garden and feel the earth
in his palms and toes somehow he felt
that connection to earth to the ancestors he called it grounding our people are
referred to as “Vana Vevhu” children of the earth his ceremonial earthing
actually seemed to work. It was in this garden my father started to teach me to
appreciate the value of hard work and to take time to appreciate nature for not only would life be my school master
but nature as well, he used to say “if god made it then it can teach you”. My
father was the kind of man who would get annoyed by a half ass job , he would
rather I do it wrong but give his my best and with that he started to teach me
the art of craftsmanship hidden in simple things as planting a seed trimming a
bush and paying attention to details. He taught me the concept of relationship
as the water needed the earth the earth was in need of the water for needs
somewhere to fall and the other needed to drink. And after a long day of work
in the garden my reward whether I deserved it or not because honestly I think I
got in the way more than I helped , especially in that last year of sickness
before he passed , was to have him push
me on the swing . My tiny little lungs squeal with excitement “looks dad I am
flying”. He had this way of looking at me and my brother that said “right there
that is mine” despite his sickness I had never seen him bitter.
When I remember what I saw that disease do to him I marvel at
how I myself struggled with alcohol for so long maybe I was that lost because
men we don’t do pain very well , but I am grateful that I beat
it and like I said thank you for being my hero and helping me through .
Your most probably wondering why I am telling you about your grandfather simply
because the 3 of us are connected, you are where he is right know and coming
here and I wanted you to have a clearer idea of the calibre of DNA that runs in
your blood and how life can be simple and complex in the Same heartbeat. One
day you will come face to face with your own complexities I just want you know you’re
not the first to face it and you won’t be the last, it’s confusing but
normal and you have my words to help you
through, aight where ever you are I will
catch you at the next inspiration
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