The daughter I never had
Hey Cloud... Wow what or who in the hell did this to you i thought you were the general the strongest of them all whatever coming it's dark... to put you in a comma ?
Anyway, my story you asked me so many times but you never pushed but i never spoke the whole truth? Um… the short and long of it is that I have had a great life on the outside but it’s just surface. Great parents, great brother most of the time, good family. We have never been really poor or anything - not rich , but not poor. My family was very open, supportive and very loving . Now I am starting to realize that to a certain extent, that was all just surface it was all just one big fat lie.
Because behind the scenes, I was a broken little girl who was deeply wounded by her parents. My brother has serious rejection and confidence issues, which were not addressed . My parents are having a rocky marriage now just like back then, but they pretend everything is ok they could win Oscars in public but not at home.
Because behind the scenes, I was a broken little girl who was deeply wounded by her parents. My brother has serious rejection and confidence issues, which were not addressed . My parents are having a rocky marriage now just like back then, but they pretend everything is ok they could win Oscars in public but not at home.
However, my story - well, I do not know. Not much to tell. I had a great childhood - I was a shy little girl and I wore beautiful clothes cos my mom owned a cool clothes store for little girls. (Ha ha - good memories!) The Gardner somewhere between six and nine (I do not remember cos I blocked it all out) sexually abused me for 2 years. I told my mom about it when I finally got the courage, but she did not do anything. Literally, nothing . She did not even talk to me about it. Therefore, from the age of 8 or 9, I had to deal with that on my own. Subsequently hated my mom and resented her and blamed her for everything and that ruined our relationship. I became a strong, independent, do not need anyone sort of girl because I had been so disappointed by my parents. Found myself in relationship after relationship from the age of 12 onwards. Still, I was scarred sexually, so I could not do much.
Um... age 16, met a person and it was the worst relationship of my life so selfish and seemed soulless a times. He hurt me deeply and I hated people. Age 17, met a beautiful man who is still a great friend. He loved me with all his heart ... i Hurt him terribly back then, sadly i took my vengeance out on the wrong one he should of being the one he actually loved me broken as i was . I Regret that. Age 16 i met God, but i dropped him for the wonderful man .. well wonderful only physically his soul was dark. Age 17, moved to Australia for Uni. Got introduced to alcohol and partying and stuff... went crazy. Broken and still hurting on the inside. Age 17, find out two of my friends was raped and one was almost raped... hated men even more. Age 18, so far from God and hating it so get more into the party scene. With a person who is using me pretty much, but thought, that is what I deserved - or that it was "just fun". Experimenting with lots of different people. Destroyed my purity and many relationships - somehow remained a technical virgin. Age 18, met the most beautiful man (physically) of my life. Had a windswept romance and that built up false hopes inside me? Got devastated and desperate.
Age 18, sick of crying out to God with no answer. Decide Christianity is a load of rubbish and want nothing to do with it. Age 18, walk into Church for the final goodbye and finally meet God again. Repent, cry and become restored, renewed and filled. Age 18, fall in love with Jesus and decide never to turn back again. In addition, I never have.
He is fixing me. Inside I was a mess of brokenness, hurt, despair and everything wrong. Every weapon the enemy uses to destroy God's women on this earth that was I. And one thing at a time, He is making me whole, renewing me and restoring me to my former glory. That is why I cannot ever be without Him. He rescued me. He is my Knight in Shining Armour. When all the men in my life were abusing me, lying to me, cheating me out of self-worth, love, romance and being treated like a princess like I should be, Jesus came and loved me until I believed I was worth something. I am never going to let Him go. In addition, that is why I am the way that I am about God. Totally smitten, totally in love .
There is a man out there that God has chosen and set apart for me, but right now, He is all I want and all I need and I love it.
So yeah, that is my story. we need need you to wake up
Dee … Real wife Flash 1998
Hanging out on the block talking smack as 80’ baby’s did back in the day with the fellas each one telling each other true lies about the weekend festivities feeling on the booties smashing checking out the honeys cat calling …
Cloud “Tau … who dat ? Did some one new move up in the hood… I think I just saw my future wife, I think I just fell in love the way same I could fall in those dimples wax on wax off Mr Miyagi wobble wobble drop it like its hot i can see that monster from the front boi ?”
“Tss… Iwe (you) that ain’t your future wife that’s just little Dee besides her brother will kill you and me… you, don’t start nothing there won’t be nothing … no no no no no … you got that look in your eye Cloud”
“What look? (Licking my lips) Little Dee aint so little no more I am holla”
"No you’re not dragging me into this bull shit … trying to get us killed not you us… Hey hey! hey..! come back!”
(Flash) Five minutes latter
“ I know who you are Tapfuma or should I say Black Moses, Do you really want me or do you want this”
Taking my hand placing it on her ass and squeezing keeping the eye contact at all time… Dear Mr God this ain’t right you testing me like this… (the soft serve right thur every teen age males Kryptonite) soft in the palm tender to the touch firm as hell on contact I am in heaven sorry I am back, Shit I can’t lie I was trying to play it cool but my smile betrayed me, but what was really harder was not getting harder down stairs(teenagers) But I had this, after all I was Black Moses even back in the day I was pro best believe that.
“Shorty best believe me when I say I want you, We are young so I am not going say I love you, because I still trying to figure out what that means but I do know I want to figure it out with you beside we got all our lives just me and you , right now my boys are clowning me ... right now do you want to know why because I said I done seen my future wife in you …(she looks over my shoulder "you need better friends" ) besides if I get you ...(squeezing that ass and breathing on neck gently and slow a little tonge flick on the ear lobe ) I get this to, (taking my free hand to guide her hand to left side of my chest over my heart ) do you feel that?”
Breathing funny swallowing hard “Yes”
“let’s put it like this Dee, real talk no Black Moses just Tapfuma … What you feel under your palm that’s what you are to me in the flesh and i am still learning”
Silence pause …eye contact honesty …(This is what I call the realness that raw emotion that thing Mr God gives us we can't describe)
“Stop playing with me … smooth… you just want what’s in between my thighs?”
“you don’t have to give anything but your smile with them dimples, your hand to fit in mine and hold (squeezing that ass) and this to ,and that look that you have in eyes, what’s in between the thighs is sacred I can wait if its really mine your worth it , consider Black Moses retired” ....
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