Crazy enough to love me “I loved you before I fell in love with you”series 2
Intro....
Spiritual
warfare and we are on the front line … You see that guy lying in the hospital
bed in a comma that’s me … That’s what it looks like when a demon to be
specific “Legion” , hits you in the
head with a semi-truck from behind, and a nosy Angel who could of stopped it all, well the captain of the host
Michael without your permission splits your souls forever source energy into multi dimensions to hide
the real you from that Demon while you train, but then there is the twist like infomercial there's more. You see all those beautiful women surrounding my
bed , yep all of them, well they’re all my wives , don’t judge me I didn’t do it at all it was him (pointing at Micheal), what i will say is that love is the most powerful force on earth if and when i can understand it to harness it. I will
explain everything in a minute it’s pretty simple really but before I get into it , I must
return to Ether so i can kill myself literally ... for it to all make sense
follow me …
Crazy enough to love me 2 … I loved you before I fell in love with you
Time slows down [my inner thoughts] “I
wish our ancestors had double clicked the alarm on the land, and checked the doors to our shore as they walked by 2- 3 times on our wealth and tighten their grip on the
land and our inheritance when the boats
arrived the same way they do to us and their purses as we walk by minding our
own business for no reason , I wish our ancestors had protected our women and children from the real rapist and child abuser and abductor aboriginals feel the same way, I wonder how that would of felt how things would be so different… and then maybe
they would know how I feel, I assure you we
won’t make that mistake , again… in 2017 i should be trying not figuring how to protect my children from them and the same old hate in a different form... instead of planning their brighter future, i wish our anacestors had fucking immgagration system back then like "how long do you intend to stay and your intetions are ..”
i love
Gentle smile at thought of you "while your still on the other side making your journey here through time and light with a purpose only you and Mr God know, I need you to know... I have loved before we meet in person , and i will fall in love with you again and again from when you make me say Awww at your birth and my eyes tear up with pride fear and affection , to when you remind me of younger me and i am struck by fear and deep sense of whooping your ass ( if your anything like me you will need it, the ass whooping i mean it will save your life ) but also hugging you when i think to my self that's mine right there ... we breed them, and as you paint my hair grey or make it fall out intentionally or unintentionally , I might not always like what you do or the decisions that you make and vice versa but the one thing that will bind us and our family together is this love thing we share ... you heard "
[Eyes... turning grey flamed]
The assagi , living steal forms in his right hand as the car drives away . Three questions come to mind , is this 2017 or do they refuse or are they simply incapable of evolving from the stone age that their minds sets are stuck in of some false sense of racial supremacy , that's question number 1. Two what does the future hold and mean really hold (for their preparation in case of war or the need to clap back) for our seeds or do we have hurt them again and this time we don't compromise until it's done, like Shaka and Thandi said "leave no enemy behind" and with that the other half of that, question they are not all evil and mine are not all good so who is the recall enemy, i mean the real real enemy ? And number 3 what did our parents, fathers, grand fathers, uncles and family members die for, fight for , rally, get beat, dog bitten , water blasted and staved for or protest for ... we know it will never be the same but will they ever change , not "it" (this situation we are in) ... for change is the only constant, but they? ... i used to believe in humanity as one but they have made it clear there is them and there is a us.
“Nigger…” This can't be my seeds future, hell no not 2017 ... i will kill them all (racist that is, relax white people unless your one of them). Once again my ninja like reflexes save me from an ignorance attack , as I call them as the egg fly’s millimeters from my right eye and splatters behind me on the wall . The car roars off and the and the drunken rich kids shout at the top of their lungs “fuck you nigger! Wooo hoo !” rightly so , from the safety of their car unaware of how they continually embarrassed themselves and their race in Mr Gods eye’s , the temptation is to strike them with a lighten bolt, but Mr Wisdom reminds they’re not the effort or the time, I can’t exactly blame them , attitude is reflection of leadership after all they did voted for John Key to be Prime minister and that says a lot, shit America let in Donald silently it (wisdom) speaks loudly to my souls ,“ the journey to freedom indeed is long one”. There is a lack of anger and the deep sigh that leaves my chest telling you a story of disappointment , are we really in 2017 where such behaviors tolerated and who raised these savages, this wasn’t the first time and it most probably won’t be the last and that’s was part of the deep tragedy, a wise and apologetic smile finds itself on my face as I think about the hope and gift hidden in her womb and a strange gratitude that she was not by my side in that moment, indeed imaginary thoughts of you are light in darkness we sometimes have to walk, once again I am reminded I possess something they will never have “Class and Honor”, despite having all the opportunities and material goods which the so called third world children don’t have , it was the poorest generation I had ever seen in terms of character and morality (blame the parents) , with that I walked to the closest bus stop opened my bag , pulled out my pad and picked up my sword which would be my pen , “ I learnt to think ahead so I fight with my pen” , as the image of a passionate young Tupac flashes through my mind it was time to engage ignorance in a battle which it would ultimately lose with time in my unborn child breathes and life time , at least that was the hope… sometimes I wondered did I really live in a free and fair World or was just bullshit they fed us and enforced by political correctness the direct enemy of change , or was I still in the stone age they call Africa the Dark continent i guess there origins were the home of dark hearts , teenagers calling me names trying to egg me as if they new struggles and pains, the educational system , parenting values and a culture of abuse had truly failed these people, my peace came from knowing Karma was real and she was a bitch when you tested her , why was I surprised hurt people hurt people psychology 101, at night having to deal with a police who were under educated and over testosterone and armed with a reputation for gang rape and the use of excessive force , “ the school master life” as always was never far away, yes my school master "life" , he pointed out to me they (the police) had no reverence for life but not to be mad but cautious "there is heaven and hell in the next , you know where many will go,and this life time just us not justice “ they don’t know any better you can put lips stick on a pig it’s still a pig , you can take a crown from a King but he still is King , They took Josephs coat of many colors but not his anointing he still ended up as the king of Egypt ”… ( Life continues in my ear), whispered “while they waste tax payer money harassing you because of the color of your skin , another young lady was drugged and raped , another drunk driver took a life , another executive just stole a few millions of their life savings , but don’t you worry at the end of the day the tortoise will catch up with the hare, whether they believe in Mr God or not he believes in them, we shall all stand before Mr God the father and i assure hell real and it's eternal ”… Umm ? I can’t lie the temptation is to give up this fight I never picked in the first place and let them suffer in the apocalypse ahead (still contemplating sending some lightening they're way) , but i found myself in a fiddled with my mind because in that same world my seed would have to exist if i did nothing , I looked in the distance my eyes wide shut and just like a movie streaming, I saw a young Nelson Mandela in his solitude looking through the bars of his cell and felt what he felt for just a moment “alone” yet convicted to the cause, in a slow motion I watched the dust rise and his body fall and I walked over to him in my mind I knelt down and kissed Malcolm good bye, as I light my cigarette I watch the smoke rise as the plane crashed toward the earth a sense of panic and peace as I waved goodbye at Samora Michel trying to make sense of it, that the father doesn’t call you home unless your jobs done, the tears wanted to flow like blood from Martins wounds as he struggled to breathe and for a moment , I laid down to dream just to see his vision , and to get away from the madness I place my cold hands over my face I find myself examine how on one side they are one colour and on the other another and the laugh of madness and a trade mark single tear asked Mr God the same question I asked last time, and that we as a people have being asking for years, “how can this skin you gave me , be the source of such hatred I thought we were all equal in your eye’s … truth and lies ?”. I looked at the back of my hands again and all of a sudden a nine inch mail burst through my palms, “Jesus?” as they hammered it to side to hold , and I knew change as slow as it would be what it is , slow and painful, it would only come through blood theirs and ours … was it worth it… Did we make a difference would we after all we being fighting for how long? I don’t suffer from guilt ignornace or escapism... reality is the bed I sleep in especially to protect our seeds "we are equal only in Gods eye's make your back stab proof". I was pained that when we really gauged it you see, surface had changed but the way of thinking had remained the same . flawed thinking created flawed results… and that was true tragedy but at the same time we had to map a safe passage for our seeds its not like could suddenly stop existing and i would be dammed if they lived in disenfranchisement, (a deep breath) …It's not about us anymore society had already fucked us up and made us dysfunctional ... its about our seed. As i imagine your face the anger, fears , question of an unknown future and frustration melts, away a tear walks into eyes feel your heart beat, i could almost touch your skin smell your newness... and war , hope slowly melts the cold ice their actions that daily try to harden my soul on the inside , as they succeeded on the out " i will fight for you.
[Eyes... turning grey flamed]
The assagi , living steal forms in his right hand as the car drives away . Three questions come to mind , is this 2017 or do they refuse or are they simply incapable of evolving from the stone age that their minds sets are stuck in of some false sense of racial supremacy , that's question number 1. Two what does the future hold and mean really hold (for their preparation in case of war or the need to clap back) for our seeds or do we have hurt them again and this time we don't compromise until it's done, like Shaka and Thandi said "leave no enemy behind" and with that the other half of that, question they are not all evil and mine are not all good so who is the recall enemy, i mean the real real enemy ? And number 3 what did our parents, fathers, grand fathers, uncles and family members die for, fight for , rally, get beat, dog bitten , water blasted and staved for or protest for ... we know it will never be the same but will they ever change , not "it" (this situation we are in) ... for change is the only constant, but they? ... i used to believe in humanity as one but they have made it clear there is them and there is a us.
“Nigger…” This can't be my seeds future, hell no not 2017 ... i will kill them all (racist that is, relax white people unless your one of them). Once again my ninja like reflexes save me from an ignorance attack , as I call them as the egg fly’s millimeters from my right eye and splatters behind me on the wall . The car roars off and the and the drunken rich kids shout at the top of their lungs “fuck you nigger! Wooo hoo !” rightly so , from the safety of their car unaware of how they continually embarrassed themselves and their race in Mr Gods eye’s , the temptation is to strike them with a lighten bolt, but Mr Wisdom reminds they’re not the effort or the time, I can’t exactly blame them , attitude is reflection of leadership after all they did voted for John Key to be Prime minister and that says a lot, shit America let in Donald silently it (wisdom) speaks loudly to my souls ,“ the journey to freedom indeed is long one”. There is a lack of anger and the deep sigh that leaves my chest telling you a story of disappointment , are we really in 2017 where such behaviors tolerated and who raised these savages, this wasn’t the first time and it most probably won’t be the last and that’s was part of the deep tragedy, a wise and apologetic smile finds itself on my face as I think about the hope and gift hidden in her womb and a strange gratitude that she was not by my side in that moment, indeed imaginary thoughts of you are light in darkness we sometimes have to walk, once again I am reminded I possess something they will never have “Class and Honor”, despite having all the opportunities and material goods which the so called third world children don’t have , it was the poorest generation I had ever seen in terms of character and morality (blame the parents) , with that I walked to the closest bus stop opened my bag , pulled out my pad and picked up my sword which would be my pen , “ I learnt to think ahead so I fight with my pen” , as the image of a passionate young Tupac flashes through my mind it was time to engage ignorance in a battle which it would ultimately lose with time in my unborn child breathes and life time , at least that was the hope… sometimes I wondered did I really live in a free and fair World or was just bullshit they fed us and enforced by political correctness the direct enemy of change , or was I still in the stone age they call Africa the Dark continent i guess there origins were the home of dark hearts , teenagers calling me names trying to egg me as if they new struggles and pains, the educational system , parenting values and a culture of abuse had truly failed these people, my peace came from knowing Karma was real and she was a bitch when you tested her , why was I surprised hurt people hurt people psychology 101, at night having to deal with a police who were under educated and over testosterone and armed with a reputation for gang rape and the use of excessive force , “ the school master life” as always was never far away, yes my school master "life" , he pointed out to me they (the police) had no reverence for life but not to be mad but cautious "there is heaven and hell in the next , you know where many will go,and this life time just us not justice “ they don’t know any better you can put lips stick on a pig it’s still a pig , you can take a crown from a King but he still is King , They took Josephs coat of many colors but not his anointing he still ended up as the king of Egypt ”… ( Life continues in my ear), whispered “while they waste tax payer money harassing you because of the color of your skin , another young lady was drugged and raped , another drunk driver took a life , another executive just stole a few millions of their life savings , but don’t you worry at the end of the day the tortoise will catch up with the hare, whether they believe in Mr God or not he believes in them, we shall all stand before Mr God the father and i assure hell real and it's eternal ”… Umm ? I can’t lie the temptation is to give up this fight I never picked in the first place and let them suffer in the apocalypse ahead (still contemplating sending some lightening they're way) , but i found myself in a fiddled with my mind because in that same world my seed would have to exist if i did nothing , I looked in the distance my eyes wide shut and just like a movie streaming, I saw a young Nelson Mandela in his solitude looking through the bars of his cell and felt what he felt for just a moment “alone” yet convicted to the cause, in a slow motion I watched the dust rise and his body fall and I walked over to him in my mind I knelt down and kissed Malcolm good bye, as I light my cigarette I watch the smoke rise as the plane crashed toward the earth a sense of panic and peace as I waved goodbye at Samora Michel trying to make sense of it, that the father doesn’t call you home unless your jobs done, the tears wanted to flow like blood from Martins wounds as he struggled to breathe and for a moment , I laid down to dream just to see his vision , and to get away from the madness I place my cold hands over my face I find myself examine how on one side they are one colour and on the other another and the laugh of madness and a trade mark single tear asked Mr God the same question I asked last time, and that we as a people have being asking for years, “how can this skin you gave me , be the source of such hatred I thought we were all equal in your eye’s … truth and lies ?”. I looked at the back of my hands again and all of a sudden a nine inch mail burst through my palms, “Jesus?” as they hammered it to side to hold , and I knew change as slow as it would be what it is , slow and painful, it would only come through blood theirs and ours … was it worth it… Did we make a difference would we after all we being fighting for how long? I don’t suffer from guilt ignornace or escapism... reality is the bed I sleep in especially to protect our seeds "we are equal only in Gods eye's make your back stab proof". I was pained that when we really gauged it you see, surface had changed but the way of thinking had remained the same . flawed thinking created flawed results… and that was true tragedy but at the same time we had to map a safe passage for our seeds its not like could suddenly stop existing and i would be dammed if they lived in disenfranchisement, (a deep breath) …It's not about us anymore society had already fucked us up and made us dysfunctional ... its about our seed. As i imagine your face the anger, fears , question of an unknown future and frustration melts, away a tear walks into eyes feel your heart beat, i could almost touch your skin smell your newness... and war , hope slowly melts the cold ice their actions that daily try to harden my soul on the inside , as they succeeded on the out " i will fight for you.
(The sound of scribbling)…Letters to my unborn
Hey you …
After my father passed away it would be the last time in my life that my mother
would physically pick me up from the ground if ever I fell down unless it was a
life threatening injury, those years were hard for me because I was young just a child and i didn’t fully understand it,
but don’t get it wrong she did this out love and deep painful wisdom , there
was a hidden wisdom in the pain and toughness, she knew a secret that in the
absence of a man in the house, I would have to learn very early in life how to
pick myself up and keep going , I would have to learn to be my own cheer leader
and motivator, and I would have to teach my mind to go ahead, my soul to
provide the energy from the pain for I would have plenty , and my body to
follow, my grind would have to be more potent , more focused , more relentless
and to this day I thank her for it , something in life only make sense in
retrospect. I look at my generation and my counter parts … many men have fallen
over and they have stayed there waiting for someone to come and pick them up ,
they have become baby hooeys’ boys in men’s bodies and sadly I have to let them
know no one’s coming to pick you up so get up or go home this is just life and
its hard. It’s tragic that we now live in society where the men gossip and
complain more than the women do, it’s tragic that these very men can be out
worked and out endured by the women they aim to dominate when they should be
partnering up with them to build great nations , and now that I know that you
are coming into this world my unborn seed from eternity into time, I don’t know
if you’re a boy or girl but if you are a prince forgive me now , for after you
turn age of 7, I will do as my mother did to me because I love you and I want
you to be strong and not to get lost on the path of masculinity and I don’t
want to make you a cripple in a cruel world that has no mercy for men who carry
our skin , you can cry but you are going to get up on your own I will lift you
with my words . I will pick you up with my words but not with my hands, and if
you’re a princess daddy will always be there to pick up when you need me just
call .
Allow
me to introduce myself I am your father but you can call me Da dad father and
the voice , well you’re in the safety of
womb enjoy it it gets rough out here , whether you’re a boy
or girl your name will be Anesu which in Shona means “god with us”. I hope and
pray to God to live and grow old and grey with you as I have asked to do with
your mother , to be a guide to you and
watch you become everything you can be… but alas the times we live in are crazy,
lost and confused and my own heart speaks against me sometimes and my
expectation of a bright future , they say if you have faith then you shouldn’t
have fear, but I do have one fear and that is that the sins of the father will
visit the son and so I have chosen to write these letters to you so that if
anything should happen to me, at least I leave you a blue print for life and
this crazy thing called masculinity and in some strange way we have this
relationship-ish , and that you would
have less questions as you grow older about me and who I really I am for until
you get older and can understand I will have to hide my scars and endure many
things in silence as the men of family do. I need you to know that I thought
about you and loved you before I even met your mother (laughing) , you were the
subject of many a conversation between me and this guy called Jesus or Mr Gods
as I call him, often I would watch the sun fall wondering where you were , when
you were coming and would I be ready I guess we will find out soon. So know
that when you are born… you are more than enough and everything you do after your
first breathe, well that is just a blessing even the mistakes there just a
chance for you to learn faster, you have nothing to prove to anybody accept
yourself just know that you are loved and that you are raised. If I have any
choice in the matter and I do even if I have to defy the laws of nature for you
, I hope to love you with both the soft
and gentle fluffy love as well as with the tough love ( ass whoop) which only
time will explain to you because at that time you will think I am unfare as I
did with those before me absolutely crazy , that tough loves a hard one because
you will most probably at the time think I am crazy when you get it , but you will get “it” when you’re older , I pray I hope you understand as watch you from
boyhood to man.
One
of the reasons why I write to you now is simply because my father died when I
was 7 years old and it a deep fear of
mine to leave you early in this world . He (your grand pa) was a good man for
all that I know and I can remember ... but when he died something happened to
me I am not sure what it was exactly but
I was dark , but what but I do remember is I was a very lost little boy filled
with anger pain and hurt in the dark
trying to fill a void that could not be filled , it is here I learnt to cry
like an adult with a false sense of dignity and not like a child with all
emotion and hurt such as to take my soul to laundry mat as god had designed
tears for , I learnt one of the great lies of being an adult while I still 7
how to put on a mask , how to be a true thespian to look normal and well-groomed
on the surface while my soul was in torment walking the on coals of hell
searching for significance and self-worth , when you arrive in this world and god
willing you live long enough there are things
that you will go through that words will fail to describe, some of them good
and some of them well, you will figure it out the hard way , these moments will
be yours and yours alone , these moments will be the places where people fail
to understand you and often you will be aware that you walk with Mr God and god
alone all your life ... and my father passing was one of them for me . Anyway
the problem is that I knew him (my father) as a child would know his father ,
pretty much as a super hero with a cape and spandex an immortal well at least a demi god ,who could do anything
and do no wrong, how mistaken I was , the only other true father I knew was God and
I assure that has being a very complicated relationship for lack of
relationship , Who in himself is perfection and created much learning for
understanding ? The dilemma for me came as I grew older the journey to manhood ,
there was not only a need for guidance but a need to understanding my frailties
and shortcomings as well as my strengths and gifting’s, my quirkiness complexities and contradictions that make me…
me , this heart inside of my chest that seemed schizophrenic , on days it wants to lay down and die and the next moment
it was defiant fiery, it would lift its middle finger at life and says bring it
on Bitch. One of the hardest things to achieve and master in life and I can warn
you about it now is balance, I know because I am still a student of balance as
I write to you and can assure you it doesn’t exist only harmony , it is
something I still struggle with today and I am sure I will until I am called
home by the lord , the loss of my father also caused me to grow at a rate
faster than my counter parts again with little guidance I found the scales
tipped against me , and I stumbled staggered but refused to fall , feeling my
way through life never truly knowing whether I was right or wrong ( alight
sigh) , in truth all I needed was a nod or pat on the back of head or shoulder
… a little affirmation there was none .
In it all despite adversity, I soon figured out I had soul that didn’t
compromise almost unbreakable , a mind that rarely slept most of the time lost
inside my own thoughts, and a heart that
was driven and hardened with callus on the outside but very tender inside that
I would protect at all cost but I would also unlearn that habit if not I would
not be able to love your mother the way I do , for most of my life I felt like
I pretty much walked alone even thou I wasn’t , and in a strange way it made my
inner me a my enemy ... I think I am
doing better now, but along the way I made a lot of mistakes ... and I assure
this world is very unforgiving especially for men of color, and I had to learn
that one’s mistakes do not define who you ar e, and I had to learn how to
forgive myself first and fast because if you don’t you become a cripple and a
puppet for Satan. Child when you arrive
in this world at all costs protect and watch your inner conversation, you can
only give to others what you have for yourself ... so love you first before you
quest for it outside and doing so can do it in abundance , warning this love
things crazy , it’s a sweet contradiction its makes war like hell fire itself
and as soft as lamb, it makes uncompromising in some ways and then ask you to do just that compromise but
that’s another letter…
I
really hope you get to know me as a man not as a God or hero, as Mandela once
said “in my strengths and great victories as well as all my weakness and
failures.” You need to see me in 360
degrees in all my seasons somehow it will help you understand yourself better
what I call our complexities as men , I hope to be a book of knowledge for you
as those who went before me my parents , your grandparents . My swagga is
imprinted in your veins it’s just gonna come out you in strange ways, it might
even surprise you hopefully in a good
way (laughing) but there a lot things I will teach you intentionally … words
this world doesn’t use any more like “integrity honor loyalty self-worth
self-sacrifice family purpose long suffering to mention a few” , having said
that I am a man so from observing me you are going to learn what to do and what
not to do because I have flaws I can admit that openly, you see how you have me
teaching already because real men and we are a dying breed we can admit when we
are wrong, actually it’s a strength the
part of you we will work on its called developing character, and hopefully you
are a faster learner than I was, because your daddy was hard headed and have
the scars to prove it. We will build
your mind first once that’s done the body will be easy trust me on this most
people in the world you arrive in will do It back ward. Secondly the ability to
admit you were wrong with an open mind and sincere heart allows the capacity to
learn faster than those around you and assure that is a lethal weapon. I don’t
know why it’s so heavy on my heart but I feel I have to pound this into your
head your coming into world where everyone got a get rich or die trying
mentality, baby if you can put a monetary value on its not worth shit you heard . You can’t buy love and you can’t
buy time you can’t buy purpose , you can’t buy satisfaction all the free things
of Mr God hurt , and require hard work, but I assure
you when get them it’s worth it, just remember it cost that something that
isn’t money. I remember when I was growing up back in Zimbabwe , I had friend
who was extremely rich and he could not understand the satisfaction I got as
boy becoming a man doing certain manual jobs around the house for my mom, he used to make fun of me but, I also remember
the sadness in his eyes , he was jealous
me I remember how he would get mad and sad , when my mother would look after a
simple thing like the lawn being cut and say good job and say to me “you’re the man of the house”. My point is this doesn’t be deceived
by riches, if you cannot put a monetary
value on anything truly valuable. I am keep pounding it into your head so you
aight for now. Before I end my entry for the day I need to address two genetic
tendencies you might have to address as you get older which might make your
life complex . I am strong believer in embracing your uniqueness as strange as
it might be unless it hurts another human being for no reason , so the first
issue is I have what they call an acquired sense of humour and I am allergic to
stupid people this particular condition cannot be cured so don’t try , but you
can hide it by not saying anything at all and laughing in your head in awkward
situations, but I must warn you might find yourself feeling the urge to say
something like “simply slap the taste out of fool … whooping ass and taking
names ”. It’s natural try your best to walk away at least asses that situation
first , your mother will not approve of
me encouraging you … but go on and do it, if the urge over takes you hit them
in throat or groin no hesitation , number 2 you better pray you inherited my
speed to run (laughing) icase it goes terribly wrong, okay we got that one out the way . The second
issues is more serious it’s on your mother side I didn’t know what I was
marrying into I am just put it out there but I still love her… most of the
time, if you find yourself having a urge to serial ass slapping grabbing
tendencies especially post puberty it’s her, I am serious when I met your
mother my ass looked like half a basketball now I got ass dimples and it’s not
from working out (laughing). If you are having this issue as you get older
don’t seek therapy it won’t work, don’t talk to me talk to your mother I am
still trying to cure her but it has its moments. That’s me for the day I don’t
want to flood your mind I hit you up some more tomorrow and remember daddy
loves you … I will see soon , I have loved you before I will fall in love with
you and you paint my hair grey.
…
The scribbling stops
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