Family Affair ... series1 pt4 Letters to my father on the otherside

(The voice )
 Hands fold the letter, there is hesitation and deep breathes a tear seems to tag the envelope there is sniffling,  love is not supposed to hurt but its absence surely does ... one last hesitation, which means there was pride .. the tongue licks the envelope as if to taste benediction but it wasn't there, the eyes drop as those of man who has being imprisoned for 20 years and stands at the gates of freedom not sure how to take the first step out institutionalized to pain ... the heart say go the memories say no, but all the mind knows is restrained, he  has being released into a world he knows nothing about anymore and yet some how his knower knows  inside once upon a time he was a master  … but there is  a smile on his face the double edge sword of hope... The winds in the street are chilly, they push on his shoulder to move ,each breath fills his lungs with coolness the opposite of the heat of his heart beat, each step with purpose confidence seem to be this man’s apparel little does the world know , the paradox to his eyes ,  he bites his lip his worries slip away as he slip the letter in the mail box. The whisper of the word “amen” as he walks away into the crowd of bustling people , the raining making him fade in this thing we call life.

The Road

The bitter
the sweet
the truth
which of these
will I accept
which of these
will I condemn
which of these
will show me the road

Ashes to ashes … Dust to dust our legends say if you want to talk to the dead you pen the letter out and then burn it, and the messengers that lay in between the worlds carry it and the dead speak to you in dreams and visions…( Pen scribbling)

Dziva ... I really think there is something really messed up in my head and I am not sure how to fix it but if I don’t fix it I am lose I might lose those that I love, I was looking  over my valley again  the darkness the cold the lonely… and I was thinking to myself , I must love living here because by now I should of let go or at least healed from it. I feel really strange right know .. like I am hollow ,I have  being talking with god , and the silly thing is I know every thing will be alright .. these things I know but I look to god and ask why I am so down   am I that faithless.. again I feel like I am letting him down , but I know that's not  true .. that's the problem I know I open my mouth to praise him but its just  words my souls is not behind it and that bothers me …. When you don't know then   it is not so worrying.. but I know who he is with me ..faith? faith?

 For some reason I am hollow a lot of things from my past as in childhood  just keep popping up .. I should know better but really miss my you acting as thou my father in heaven is inadequate when I know truly he will provide abundantly.. so I push  .. but I really hate the feelings I have right know .. But in my right mind a set of  lights should be going off  .. Saying god is about do what he does … but there I am like donkey in winnie the pooh .. .. I am not joking I feel like I have voices in my head like small pieces of glass telling how I am faithless and letting god down   and this and that and I know its  the enemy I speak back with scriptures because  ….i don't know what I doing wrong I have given up to lord peter 5:7  the battle is his not mine .. and the voices and whispers in my head are getting louder and more frequent which should tell me I am about to make a major break through.. because a thief doesn't steal from an empty house .. so what’s wrong with me because I know? The more I think bout the more frustrated I get .. and I know that what the enemy wants .. the biggest problem to me is that I know ..i am applying the I cant hold on much longer the feelings are breaking down the walls of  my sanity    so what’s wrong with me ..  

I don't know .. the strangest thing is  I know god is bring me into my season of harvest, I keep hearing something telling this is your time of harvest season take it grab it with both hands , I am unmotivated even thou I am still working hard …. As I said I know that god is working on me right know  and he is gonna shatter  the situation  or whatever is bugging ..

 But that's why I am so irritated  at me because I know what he  is gonna do … I am not sure why I am telling you this but I guess I am comfortable talking to you if i tell anybody else they would think I am insane , or on the edge of breakdown which is far from the truth…

 I know the scriptures in out   I know the application I know I should be lifting gods name in praise because my season is here  and no weapon formed against me shall prosper .. but alas there is no fire in my soul   and I know the holy spirit is in there some where  because I am not sitting on the throne anymore .. my eyes open to the thief I know he wants to steal my joy which brings me back to why do I feel the way I do .. this morning I was lying in my bed   said my prayer as usual and just lay there asked god  to just  hold me  … I told him I don't want anything else would you just hold me ..

 So what do I do why am I so faithless when I KNOW..

 I don't expect a replies I just wanted to get   that off my chest it was bothering me ..

  I am sorry I just needed to say something just needs to say something I guess.

 Thanks for listening Dad  (pen stops scribbling)