fathers LOVE BROKEN

He lays on top of his son’s grave in the foetal position … cramps in his stomach tears in his eyes he tries to sing but it is interrupted by cries his hands shake his lips quiver he tries … Bob Marley “ they kill them before they grow… so I shot the sheriff but I didn’t kill the deputy”…

I remember the first time you said it “Dad I want to be just like you” every man worth his salt in swet beats his chest when he hears it for the first time from his son“ little man wants to be just like me lol did you hear that Mr God like me …?”Until those words hit his soul and that man thinks to himself “ but you don’t know what it took to make me little man I was born in hell fire, if i told you some of things I had to endure and survive to be me… your toes would cure and your hair would turn grey and maybe your heart would turn grey just from listening, I don’t show you my scars not to be deceptive but to avoid making you a Cynic of life to early”

“I am sorry Troy I promised to protect you to your father to your mother most important to you and I failed because I believed there lies I knew the evil they are and trusted them with something as precious as your life, they say he who doesn’t not protect his children is worse than infidel sorry will not bring you back… (His stomach tightens he almost throws up… his voice in my head)

Time slowed down, it felt like I had left my body and I watched as my soul cringed slowly and painfully, it’s the strangest experience to be the third person watching like a voyeur of your own life and feeling sorry for yourself, for the first time in my life I was feeling and experiencing something totally new and I did not like it at all, no sir not one single bit. It had nothing to do with me as a human being and who I was as person, it had nothing to do with who I was in Ubuntu, it had nothing to do with the good teachings my loving parents have tried to impart into me to make me a good man. It made my inner light dim, it made my ears deafen toward the sweet whispers of the ancestors, the worst part was that it made feel distant from Mr Gods, whatever it was  it truly ugly “get it off me !” “Get it out of me!”,  As I watched myself struggle with it, I had never ever felt so helpless. For the first time ever in my life with my nap pulsing and my muscles shaking, they had found a way to make me feel hatred and it was toward them, as the salvia slowly dripped down my cheek from the place that it had landed.

[me speaking to myself]

Letter to my inner king….

Wake up!… I need you to wake up again. I know that I am the one who did it… did this to us, it’s my fault, I am the one who lay you down to sleep, but please understand that I only did it to protect you from an enemy who was hell bent on destroying you in your infancy before you had learnt how to war and survive the strange assassins of manhood and brutish emasculating force of life designed by them the bald heads, the problem lies in this you have being asleep so long that a part of you has forgotten who you are, you started becoming a king while you were still in your slumber, but when I had laid you down to sleep you were a prince, and as a prince precious lessons on how to war were missed, when you were violently woken up in chains and they fooled you into believing  you’re a slave. But of late your deep inner thoughts betray you with visions of crowns family history and glory, your soul dares you to hold your chest up with a pride and dares you to beat to let the ancestors know that you still here … while you whisper ancient prayers into the wind and talk with the sky, your intellect has deducted that somethings amiss and your nostril hair burns because of the scent of the deeply rooted lie about your identity burns, your heart has spoken to you with words that are foreign to them but you understand each letter clearly, but these words don’t make sense to your circumstance… as you question and quiz yourself …  when was the last time you ran free in paths of your own mind and the plans of your own land of true originality, when was the last time  the inner beasts in you roared so loud they garnered the heavens attention and shook hell itself, your roar was so pure with life and essence your lungs were empty and all pain and frustration was elevated,  all who heard the roar in the inner sanctum of your head fell to one knee and you were  once again the master of your fate and the feeler of own heart…

Please wake up… wake up please

I give you my word as it is bond and if I must I will draw my own blood to make a mark that I will I will never make you sleep again, this is the last time ever that we will be parted one heart one soul one mind, I will war for you, without you I am incomplete and our separation was like a walk through hell and time felt like an eternity … don’t open your eyes because they are already open … I need you to wake up for me, we are the last of our kind a dying breed and if you don’t wake up soon we will be extinct … Wake to me … reign as your ancestors did to my inner king… Dziva wake up!